So yeah. I'm tired. Really tired. Bowl me over with a light wind tired.
But, it's a "good" tired. I don't really want to post the actual reasons for my exhaustion, but I believe that "everyone" who reads this blog know what's going on.
It's just that with the kids, it makes it difficult to cope with the exhaustion. The kids are good though. They don't argue too much about an afternoon nap, and Olivia will even let me lay down for an hour in the morning after we drop off Logan to school. So I've been resting. Just trying to keep myself from passing out in the grocery store or something embrassing! *hee hee hee*
Anyway, I'm hoping to "officially" post it all soon. Got to do a few things first before it's "official", and then I'm sure I'll blog regularily again!
I just needed to vent! :)
Shevaun
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
She's Going To Be Two
My little girl is going to be two. My sweet angelic cherubic doll will be two on Wednesday.
And I'm petrified!
She's a doll. She's a sweet little girl, who says "please" and "thank you" with little nudging. She makes "funny noises" and sweetly says "excuse me". She loves her dollies, she loves her brother and she loves her daddy. She's our little cuddlebug. Our Piglet...our girl. She's all I could ask for in a sweet little girl.
Until she's angry. And Holy Mother of Pearl, do we ever hear about it. That sweet little angelic, cherubic face scrunches up, gets red like a tomato and her eyes go wide and she lets it rip.
Seriously? This is my angel? My doll, my princess?
Yes, indeedy. It is. And we are entering the "terrible Two's" with a vengence.
With Logan, we never experienced the "terrible Two's". We found out what "real" toddlers were like when he hit the "terrifying Threes". God. Boys at three...Whoa. Not fun.
Girls at two...whoa. Not fun.
My daughter is a very independent (I want to get my own yogurt!) very opinionated (I don't wike that!) and very bossy (NO! Don't cook the steak Mommy!) little girl with a heart of gold and the emotional range of Meryl Streep. This kid can go from happy, laughing little girl to tantruming, foot stomping rage-a-holic and then back to the sweet little girl in about thirty seconds. I am thinking "Drama Queen" barely covers it. "Princess" is often high on our list of titles for her.
No. This isn't anything new. This is who she is, who's she's been since the start. I'm just finding that she's more capable of freaking out over the smallest things in a very quick period of time, more frequently. Ahhh...two. What a magical time.
The qualities I see in her, empathy, independence, opinionated, friendly, happy, sweet, and yes, even bossy, will serve her well in her future I hope. She's a truly empathetic little girl, who doesn't like to see people hurt or crying. It bugs her greatly. Her independence has been proven time and time again and has proven to be a great thing for her. She can be a little bit shy at times, but her curiosity and independence comes up and things get better. Her opinions and bossiness I could do without right now, but as she gets older, she needs to learn to assert herself. Pray I can teach her to assert herself a with a little more tact than her daddy.
She loves big, plays big and just in general is bigger than life.
Her intelligence staggers me on a regular basis. A normal conversation (yes...I have conversations with my two year old) can go something like:
"Where's the kitty?"
"I don't know. Where is the kitty?"
"Probably in the basement."
Or she asks me what something is in a book, tells me about a bird she sees or hears, or does more like me and chatters like no one's listening. She asked me about what something was in a book and I said "It's a constellation. Can you say constellation."
With very little thinking, she looks at the book and says "Constellation." My dad heard her today repeat constellation, cosmonaut, astronaut and reccommended. I'm guessing these aren't normal words for a two year old. But she says them so you can understand them. She's been speaking three and four word sentences since she was 14/15 months old, rarely if ever grunts or points for an object and is usually quite clear in her choices.
I love my daughter so much. She looks at me and smiles and I just can't help but smile back. She's such a sweet little cutie with her beautiful blonde curls and her big blue eyes. I think that's what makes it so easy to "forgive" her bossiness. She does it with such authority but is so cute, it's hard to be angry. I do try to nip it in the bud, but ... well. Just but. You'd have to experience it to understand.
When I had Logan, and I fell so madly in love with him, I couldn't imagine that there could POSSIBLY be anymore space in my heart. I guess I knew there could be, if there had to be, but I didn't realize just how much bigger my heart would become with the birth of a little girl who we tried so hard to have, not knowing what we were getting ourselves into.
For the past two years, Olivia has given me more joy than I could have ever expected. Logan and Olivia together are my perfect pair. They play together, they love each other and hopefully one day they will be great friends together. Even though we had tried and tried after Logan, with little success until the medication, I realized and understood something:
Children are given to us at time when we need them.
Logan helped us to move forward in our lives, giving us a reason to do the things we were destined to do.
Olivia helped me be a better woman, by making me understand that one day, she is going to look to me to help her become the woman I hope she will become. I am her strongest role model, her greatest ally and one day I hope we will be the best of friends. Until then, I am mommy to a remarkable little girl filled with more potential in her little finger than I could have ever hoped for in my entire body.
Happy Birthday my Little Princess! Here's to many more years together, through laughter and tears, joy and sadness, love and loss, and everything else in between! I love you more than you will ever understand!
Life is good!
And I'm petrified!
She's a doll. She's a sweet little girl, who says "please" and "thank you" with little nudging. She makes "funny noises" and sweetly says "excuse me". She loves her dollies, she loves her brother and she loves her daddy. She's our little cuddlebug. Our Piglet...our girl. She's all I could ask for in a sweet little girl.
Until she's angry. And Holy Mother of Pearl, do we ever hear about it. That sweet little angelic, cherubic face scrunches up, gets red like a tomato and her eyes go wide and she lets it rip.
Seriously? This is my angel? My doll, my princess?
Yes, indeedy. It is. And we are entering the "terrible Two's" with a vengence.
With Logan, we never experienced the "terrible Two's". We found out what "real" toddlers were like when he hit the "terrifying Threes". God. Boys at three...Whoa. Not fun.
Girls at two...whoa. Not fun.
My daughter is a very independent (I want to get my own yogurt!) very opinionated (I don't wike that!) and very bossy (NO! Don't cook the steak Mommy!) little girl with a heart of gold and the emotional range of Meryl Streep. This kid can go from happy, laughing little girl to tantruming, foot stomping rage-a-holic and then back to the sweet little girl in about thirty seconds. I am thinking "Drama Queen" barely covers it. "Princess" is often high on our list of titles for her.
No. This isn't anything new. This is who she is, who's she's been since the start. I'm just finding that she's more capable of freaking out over the smallest things in a very quick period of time, more frequently. Ahhh...two. What a magical time.
The qualities I see in her, empathy, independence, opinionated, friendly, happy, sweet, and yes, even bossy, will serve her well in her future I hope. She's a truly empathetic little girl, who doesn't like to see people hurt or crying. It bugs her greatly. Her independence has been proven time and time again and has proven to be a great thing for her. She can be a little bit shy at times, but her curiosity and independence comes up and things get better. Her opinions and bossiness I could do without right now, but as she gets older, she needs to learn to assert herself. Pray I can teach her to assert herself a with a little more tact than her daddy.
She loves big, plays big and just in general is bigger than life.
Her intelligence staggers me on a regular basis. A normal conversation (yes...I have conversations with my two year old) can go something like:
"Where's the kitty?"
"I don't know. Where is the kitty?"
"Probably in the basement."
Or she asks me what something is in a book, tells me about a bird she sees or hears, or does more like me and chatters like no one's listening. She asked me about what something was in a book and I said "It's a constellation. Can you say constellation."
With very little thinking, she looks at the book and says "Constellation." My dad heard her today repeat constellation, cosmonaut, astronaut and reccommended. I'm guessing these aren't normal words for a two year old. But she says them so you can understand them. She's been speaking three and four word sentences since she was 14/15 months old, rarely if ever grunts or points for an object and is usually quite clear in her choices.
I love my daughter so much. She looks at me and smiles and I just can't help but smile back. She's such a sweet little cutie with her beautiful blonde curls and her big blue eyes. I think that's what makes it so easy to "forgive" her bossiness. She does it with such authority but is so cute, it's hard to be angry. I do try to nip it in the bud, but ... well. Just but. You'd have to experience it to understand.
When I had Logan, and I fell so madly in love with him, I couldn't imagine that there could POSSIBLY be anymore space in my heart. I guess I knew there could be, if there had to be, but I didn't realize just how much bigger my heart would become with the birth of a little girl who we tried so hard to have, not knowing what we were getting ourselves into.
For the past two years, Olivia has given me more joy than I could have ever expected. Logan and Olivia together are my perfect pair. They play together, they love each other and hopefully one day they will be great friends together. Even though we had tried and tried after Logan, with little success until the medication, I realized and understood something:
Children are given to us at time when we need them.
Logan helped us to move forward in our lives, giving us a reason to do the things we were destined to do.
Olivia helped me be a better woman, by making me understand that one day, she is going to look to me to help her become the woman I hope she will become. I am her strongest role model, her greatest ally and one day I hope we will be the best of friends. Until then, I am mommy to a remarkable little girl filled with more potential in her little finger than I could have ever hoped for in my entire body.
Happy Birthday my Little Princess! Here's to many more years together, through laughter and tears, joy and sadness, love and loss, and everything else in between! I love you more than you will ever understand!
Life is good!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Gravity Sucks
So in recent days, I've had a few interesting situations.
The other day, after the diaper fell off Olivia's bum, the two of them decided to play "Hairdresser". I didn't realize that it meant that they were actually using real hair product.
I was sitting at the table at dinner and I looked at Logan and asked him, "Why does your hair look wet?"
"It's not wet."
"Yes it is. I can tell. The top of your hair is flat."
"Oh, well it's not wet."
And I left it at that. I didn't really understand why he was arguing, I could plainly see it was "wet".
A little after dinner, I smell something not unpleasant, but familiar, and look up on the first landing of our stairs to find Olivia playing with my hair mousse. Okay. Mystery solved. It wasn't wet, it was slicked down with hair mousse. *sigh*
A couple hours later, I was outside having a conversation with my neighbour over our fence. I hear "HI MOMMY!"
I look up to find Logan standing IN his window. As in ON his window sill. Uh...
His room is on the second floor, with nothing below but concrete to stop his fall. *HEART ATTACK CITY!!!* NOW, I had placed a plank in his window because alot of evenings in the summertime, the kids that live on the other side of us will stand outside of our yard and yell Logan's name. If his window is open all the way, he will yell back. SO the window was only open about two to three inches. Not enough for him to fall through the screen, but as I was talking to my neighbour, she informed me that he'd been in the window before................ Oh heavens.
I go upstairs after it sort of sinks in, to discuss with my son the reasons WHY this is so bad. I start to cry, because frankly, all I can picture is my little boy, falling from his window. The results of which could be death. Perhaps not, but I mean, the injuries would be pretty greivous at best.
I tell him about who would miss him, mommy, daddy, Olivia, grandmas and grandpas, uncles and aunts, friends, etc. I tell him how he wouldn't be able to see us anymore. There'd be no more Logan. Totally broke my heart to even say it, but Logan's not the type of kid you say "Don't do that!" and he stops. He needs a bit more convincing.
I go up there a little while later, only to CATCH HIM IN HIS WINDOW AGAIN!! OMG!! So I break out the big guns. Please don't judge me for what I'm about to say. I was grasping at straws at this point, trying to get it to my son WHY this is such a bad idea.
I said to him "Do you remember when Tristan died?" (Tristan was our dog until Logan was 2 1/2. Unbelieveably enough, he remembers this and mentions it frequently to various individuals)
He nods.
"Okay then. If you fall out of your window, it will be like that. They will take you to the hospital and you won't be coming home."
That made something click. But in doing so, I made him cry. Man...I'm a jerk. But I can't feel bad about it. I need to get it across to him. I take away the ladder to his bed, to keep him from climbing. Turns out, he doesn't need the ladder. He just climbs up the side of his bed, uses the window sill, then gets what he wants out of his bed. Monkey child...great. I always wanted one of those........
I question if perhaps we should look into gymnastics. I mean, why not? But then, he'd LEARN how to climb. BUT maybe if we used it like Karate, where it's told to people that you only use in self defense, not for any other reason...maybe. Just maybe, another adult's voice in his head saying "You only do gymnastics in the gym." might click. It's crazy enough to work!
Next day, he's outside playing. I know the neighbour kids are outside. I bet you're asking,
"Why doesn't she let Logan play with the neighbour kids?"
I have plenty of reasons, I won't go into them now, but there are plenty of issues regarding this family. I've had to call the police more than once about them, and I don't want to be mixed up with this family. And I won't let my five year old run around the streets by himself. No way. The little girl in question is his age, we live on a bus route and she's frequently out on her own, with no adult supervision more often than not. I refuse to allow my child to be out there on his own. He's like a beagle. His nose would hit the ground, his curiosity would flare and he'd wind up 5 kms away from home. And that's just ONE of the reasons. I think that alone is JUST FINE!
Anyway, she was outside the yard, talking to him. I could hear them. I had come into the house for a few minutes (I have two windows facing my postage stamp yard. It's not like I can't see them) and when I came back outside, he was STANDING ON THE MAILBOX! Okay. I own a monkey for a child. Back to discussing head injuries with him, informing him about how bad he could hurt himself. How much he could lose from a head injury and that's worst case. Best case, he'd sprain or break a bone. Still not a good option!
It was an incredibly trying 24 hours. Since then, my daughter's diaper has fallen off AGAIN, both Logan and Olivia have each fallen down at least one set of the stairs (I have three landings and each set of stairs is only four to five carpeted stairs. It's not so bad). Olivia fell down at the park and scraped her knee and "required" a Dora bandaid. My children are bruised, battered and beaten in the leg area. I almost just want to put pants on them just so people don't think I beat them!
And so I say this with absolute authority...
GRAVITY SUCKS!!
The other day, after the diaper fell off Olivia's bum, the two of them decided to play "Hairdresser". I didn't realize that it meant that they were actually using real hair product.
I was sitting at the table at dinner and I looked at Logan and asked him, "Why does your hair look wet?"
"It's not wet."
"Yes it is. I can tell. The top of your hair is flat."
"Oh, well it's not wet."
And I left it at that. I didn't really understand why he was arguing, I could plainly see it was "wet".
A little after dinner, I smell something not unpleasant, but familiar, and look up on the first landing of our stairs to find Olivia playing with my hair mousse. Okay. Mystery solved. It wasn't wet, it was slicked down with hair mousse. *sigh*
A couple hours later, I was outside having a conversation with my neighbour over our fence. I hear "HI MOMMY!"
I look up to find Logan standing IN his window. As in ON his window sill. Uh...
His room is on the second floor, with nothing below but concrete to stop his fall. *HEART ATTACK CITY!!!* NOW, I had placed a plank in his window because alot of evenings in the summertime, the kids that live on the other side of us will stand outside of our yard and yell Logan's name. If his window is open all the way, he will yell back. SO the window was only open about two to three inches. Not enough for him to fall through the screen, but as I was talking to my neighbour, she informed me that he'd been in the window before................ Oh heavens.
I go upstairs after it sort of sinks in, to discuss with my son the reasons WHY this is so bad. I start to cry, because frankly, all I can picture is my little boy, falling from his window. The results of which could be death. Perhaps not, but I mean, the injuries would be pretty greivous at best.
I tell him about who would miss him, mommy, daddy, Olivia, grandmas and grandpas, uncles and aunts, friends, etc. I tell him how he wouldn't be able to see us anymore. There'd be no more Logan. Totally broke my heart to even say it, but Logan's not the type of kid you say "Don't do that!" and he stops. He needs a bit more convincing.
I go up there a little while later, only to CATCH HIM IN HIS WINDOW AGAIN!! OMG!! So I break out the big guns. Please don't judge me for what I'm about to say. I was grasping at straws at this point, trying to get it to my son WHY this is such a bad idea.
I said to him "Do you remember when Tristan died?" (Tristan was our dog until Logan was 2 1/2. Unbelieveably enough, he remembers this and mentions it frequently to various individuals)
He nods.
"Okay then. If you fall out of your window, it will be like that. They will take you to the hospital and you won't be coming home."
That made something click. But in doing so, I made him cry. Man...I'm a jerk. But I can't feel bad about it. I need to get it across to him. I take away the ladder to his bed, to keep him from climbing. Turns out, he doesn't need the ladder. He just climbs up the side of his bed, uses the window sill, then gets what he wants out of his bed. Monkey child...great. I always wanted one of those........
I question if perhaps we should look into gymnastics. I mean, why not? But then, he'd LEARN how to climb. BUT maybe if we used it like Karate, where it's told to people that you only use in self defense, not for any other reason...maybe. Just maybe, another adult's voice in his head saying "You only do gymnastics in the gym." might click. It's crazy enough to work!
Next day, he's outside playing. I know the neighbour kids are outside. I bet you're asking,
"Why doesn't she let Logan play with the neighbour kids?"
I have plenty of reasons, I won't go into them now, but there are plenty of issues regarding this family. I've had to call the police more than once about them, and I don't want to be mixed up with this family. And I won't let my five year old run around the streets by himself. No way. The little girl in question is his age, we live on a bus route and she's frequently out on her own, with no adult supervision more often than not. I refuse to allow my child to be out there on his own. He's like a beagle. His nose would hit the ground, his curiosity would flare and he'd wind up 5 kms away from home. And that's just ONE of the reasons. I think that alone is JUST FINE!
Anyway, she was outside the yard, talking to him. I could hear them. I had come into the house for a few minutes (I have two windows facing my postage stamp yard. It's not like I can't see them) and when I came back outside, he was STANDING ON THE MAILBOX! Okay. I own a monkey for a child. Back to discussing head injuries with him, informing him about how bad he could hurt himself. How much he could lose from a head injury and that's worst case. Best case, he'd sprain or break a bone. Still not a good option!
It was an incredibly trying 24 hours. Since then, my daughter's diaper has fallen off AGAIN, both Logan and Olivia have each fallen down at least one set of the stairs (I have three landings and each set of stairs is only four to five carpeted stairs. It's not so bad). Olivia fell down at the park and scraped her knee and "required" a Dora bandaid. My children are bruised, battered and beaten in the leg area. I almost just want to put pants on them just so people don't think I beat them!
And so I say this with absolute authority...
GRAVITY SUCKS!!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Potty Training?
So I've been changing diapers for the past five years. I'm pretty good at it now. Just about a pro. I can change a diaper anywhere, any kind. I've actually gone to change Olivia's diaper in the mall here and found out that **GASP** there were no diapers in the diaper bag. That was harsh. Thankfully, we were in a mall, close to a Shoppers Drug Mart. Too bad the lady in front of me had to count each piece of change she had then aruge about the price of something. **SIGH** That left me in a bad spot, hoping that my daughter was sitting diaperless with my friends and didn't make a nasty mess in them. Then I'd have to buy new pants, cause I didn't have those in the bag either.
Anyway, now here we are, one month shy of 2 and Olivia's starting to become intersted in potties and peeing in them. Has she yet? Nope. But Logan yells out "I have to go pee!!" And Olivia repeats "I have to go pee too!!" And then screams blue murder when he closes the door.
I went to Ikea, because on a hot tip, one of the ladies at one of my playgroups let me know that I can get potties for 3.00!! THREE DOLLARS!! I'm not kidding. So I bought two. They are solid plastic, no little cup to pee around, so easier to clean up! I was so excited. We brought the potties home and Olivia wears them on her head (as she wears it, she yells "BUCKET HEAD!!"), falls off of them, plays on them, but at least she's paying attention to them.
Today, she came downstairs, and I noticed that her new diaper was hanging out of the shorts of her pj's. I said, "Olivia, your diaper's falling off!!"
"Take it off! Take diapee off!" (she doesn't say -er yet. Everything with -er is -ee. We don't encourage it, it just is how she says things.)
So I took the diaper off and realized this was a great opportunity to try the potty. I have one downstairs, one upstairs. She took the one in the living room, sat on it for about 10 seconds, got off and then picked it up. Thank heaven's she didn't pee in it. She tipped it over her head and proceeded to carry it around. Then she found out when you dropped it, it bounces, sometimes back to the way it should be! It became a game of tossing the potty....great.
I asked her if she wanted to wear her princess panties (Disney Princesses are popular) or a diaper. She said panties. So Logan went upstairs, got her three or four pair and I put her in a pair of white Ariel panties. I said,
"When you have to pee, sit on the potty!"
She sat on the potty and Logan decided that she needed to take her panties off, and it wound up being a chase to get her panties off...<> When the chase was over because I said "STOP! You're going to knock her down!" she sat up in our big comfy chair, then wandered over to me about two seconds later and says,
"I peed."
Anyway, now here we are, one month shy of 2 and Olivia's starting to become intersted in potties and peeing in them. Has she yet? Nope. But Logan yells out "I have to go pee!!" And Olivia repeats "I have to go pee too!!" And then screams blue murder when he closes the door.
I went to Ikea, because on a hot tip, one of the ladies at one of my playgroups let me know that I can get potties for 3.00!! THREE DOLLARS!! I'm not kidding. So I bought two. They are solid plastic, no little cup to pee around, so easier to clean up! I was so excited. We brought the potties home and Olivia wears them on her head (as she wears it, she yells "BUCKET HEAD!!"), falls off of them, plays on them, but at least she's paying attention to them.
Today, she came downstairs, and I noticed that her new diaper was hanging out of the shorts of her pj's. I said, "Olivia, your diaper's falling off!!"
"Take it off! Take diapee off!" (she doesn't say -er yet. Everything with -er is -ee. We don't encourage it, it just is how she says things.)
So I took the diaper off and realized this was a great opportunity to try the potty. I have one downstairs, one upstairs. She took the one in the living room, sat on it for about 10 seconds, got off and then picked it up. Thank heaven's she didn't pee in it. She tipped it over her head and proceeded to carry it around. Then she found out when you dropped it, it bounces, sometimes back to the way it should be! It became a game of tossing the potty....great.
I asked her if she wanted to wear her princess panties (Disney Princesses are popular) or a diaper. She said panties. So Logan went upstairs, got her three or four pair and I put her in a pair of white Ariel panties. I said,
"When you have to pee, sit on the potty!"
She sat on the potty and Logan decided that she needed to take her panties off, and it wound up being a chase to get her panties off...<
"I peed."
Monday, May 25, 2009
Coming Around
Well, life is sure changing. In a great way though. Weird how a little pill can help you gain perspective, but along with that pill, I needed to talk to someone else. Someone outside my scope of family or friends. Someone who can ask questions. Someone who can make me feel like I'm in a safe place, where I can say anything, about anyone and know that no matter what I say, none of it is "wrong" or "right". It just is what it is and it is how I feel. It's fair. I'm allowed. And I won't apologize for anything I have to say.
To put it in a bit of a crazy way, the little pill has helped to quell the little "voices". The niggling little "voices" who tell me I'm not good enough (even though I know I am), who tell me that I said the wrong thing (and if I did, who cares), who tell me that I need to make sure that everyone else is happy before I am (which I totally know is wrong, but it's how I've lived for so long, I don't know how else to live). They also tell me that I'm at risk for silly things that I can't worry about, because let's face it, if something is going to happen to us, why worry about it? It will happen if it happens. Life's like that.
Life is what happens while you're worrying about and planning life.
Alot of the time, we spend so much time worrying about things like swine flu,or whatever malady might strike us where we will be in five years, what we will do tomorrow, how we will get that car, truck, tv, house, (whatever it might be we're coveting). We don't take the time to be happy in the moment, love life as it is and take in the beauty around us. I know, I know, it sounds so cheezy, but it's so true. We worry so much about having the "things"we don't have that we don't appreciate the "Things" we have around us. I don't worry so much anymore about alot of stuff. I'm coming around. I'm working on getting past worrying about other people's problems and how they view me. It's time for me. It's time for my kids, and it's time for my husband. It's time for MY family. I will always be there for my friends, willing to help out if I can, but if I can't I won't tear myself up if I have to say no. I won't worry that my friend won't love me anymore, or they won't want to ask me for assisstance anymore. I will just live my life and hope they appreciate the fact that I need to be with MY family.
My scope is very narrow right now. I am focused on me, my kids and Jeff. Plain and simple. When we have something WE want to do, WE will do it, albeit a trip to Waterton Lakes, or anywhere else. We will have our schedule, where we will be, when we will be there and it will be our time. Other people are always welcome to join us, but I won't be able to adjust my plans. It's time for us to schedule time for us. We have big plans for this summer. Lots of travel, lots of places to see, things to do. We're excited. And it's our time. We will get there when and if we get there. If we get sidetracked and wind up in the mountains somewhere, AWESOME! If we don't, AWESOME! :) It's just so much easier when we say "Here's our plan. See you if wish to join us!"
Otherwise, I'm still going to more counselling. I loved her. She reminded me alot of one of my friends, so I knew right away that I'd like her. She was willing to let this rambling, bumbling, chatty woman to talk about the things she needs to deal with most, and help to guide me through it.
So, like I said, I'm coming around. It's happening faster than I ever thought it could. And I'm becoming happier, calmer, a little bit less anxious everyday. I've gone from perpetual anxiety for just about three weeks straight, to only two "attacks" (because I don't know what else to call them) in the past week. The first was relatively minor but lasted several hours, but the last one last Friday was quick and didn't last long at all. Just got an achy chest, then relaxed, watched two movies and had a ton of fun!! So it's been good. All of it. It's working out quickly, and thankfully, I'm on the right track!!
So, basically, sorry to those who this change might affect. It's time for me to change. I know that there are some people who it will affect...but I mean, I can't make things better for anyone else before I make things better for myself! Life moves forward...time marches on.
And so do I!
To put it in a bit of a crazy way, the little pill has helped to quell the little "voices". The niggling little "voices" who tell me I'm not good enough (even though I know I am), who tell me that I said the wrong thing (and if I did, who cares), who tell me that I need to make sure that everyone else is happy before I am (which I totally know is wrong, but it's how I've lived for so long, I don't know how else to live). They also tell me that I'm at risk for silly things that I can't worry about, because let's face it, if something is going to happen to us, why worry about it? It will happen if it happens. Life's like that.
Life is what happens while you're worrying about and planning life.
Alot of the time, we spend so much time worrying about things like swine flu,or whatever malady might strike us where we will be in five years, what we will do tomorrow, how we will get that car, truck, tv, house, (whatever it might be we're coveting). We don't take the time to be happy in the moment, love life as it is and take in the beauty around us. I know, I know, it sounds so cheezy, but it's so true. We worry so much about having the "things"we don't have that we don't appreciate the "Things" we have around us. I don't worry so much anymore about alot of stuff. I'm coming around. I'm working on getting past worrying about other people's problems and how they view me. It's time for me. It's time for my kids, and it's time for my husband. It's time for MY family. I will always be there for my friends, willing to help out if I can, but if I can't I won't tear myself up if I have to say no. I won't worry that my friend won't love me anymore, or they won't want to ask me for assisstance anymore. I will just live my life and hope they appreciate the fact that I need to be with MY family.
My scope is very narrow right now. I am focused on me, my kids and Jeff. Plain and simple. When we have something WE want to do, WE will do it, albeit a trip to Waterton Lakes, or anywhere else. We will have our schedule, where we will be, when we will be there and it will be our time. Other people are always welcome to join us, but I won't be able to adjust my plans. It's time for us to schedule time for us. We have big plans for this summer. Lots of travel, lots of places to see, things to do. We're excited. And it's our time. We will get there when and if we get there. If we get sidetracked and wind up in the mountains somewhere, AWESOME! If we don't, AWESOME! :) It's just so much easier when we say "Here's our plan. See you if wish to join us!"
Otherwise, I'm still going to more counselling. I loved her. She reminded me alot of one of my friends, so I knew right away that I'd like her. She was willing to let this rambling, bumbling, chatty woman to talk about the things she needs to deal with most, and help to guide me through it.
So, like I said, I'm coming around. It's happening faster than I ever thought it could. And I'm becoming happier, calmer, a little bit less anxious everyday. I've gone from perpetual anxiety for just about three weeks straight, to only two "attacks" (because I don't know what else to call them) in the past week. The first was relatively minor but lasted several hours, but the last one last Friday was quick and didn't last long at all. Just got an achy chest, then relaxed, watched two movies and had a ton of fun!! So it's been good. All of it. It's working out quickly, and thankfully, I'm on the right track!!
So, basically, sorry to those who this change might affect. It's time for me to change. I know that there are some people who it will affect...but I mean, I can't make things better for anyone else before I make things better for myself! Life moves forward...time marches on.
And so do I!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
My Thought For Today
You must be open to change in order to have effective change in your life.
Take from that what you want. For me, it means that I'm super stoked to see my new counsellor next Thursday. I want to make effective, positive change in my life, and I plan by fixing a few things first. Learning to deal with my emotions and thoughts in a positive way. I don't want to be on the meds forever. Therapy WITH the meds will help for the time being. After that, time will tell.
Sounds sort of esoteric, but on a journey of self discovery, it can be a bit esoteric. I'll be weird for a while. I'll be a bit strange, a bit well...estoeric. I'm coming around. Things are changing.
I am changing.
And it's good change.
Take from that what you want. For me, it means that I'm super stoked to see my new counsellor next Thursday. I want to make effective, positive change in my life, and I plan by fixing a few things first. Learning to deal with my emotions and thoughts in a positive way. I don't want to be on the meds forever. Therapy WITH the meds will help for the time being. After that, time will tell.
Sounds sort of esoteric, but on a journey of self discovery, it can be a bit esoteric. I'll be weird for a while. I'll be a bit strange, a bit well...estoeric. I'm coming around. Things are changing.
I am changing.
And it's good change.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Mayflower
So, I've been dealing with alot of feelings of loneliness, frustration at being lonely, because let's face it, I don't NEED to be entertained. Right? Anyway, it's been a long time in coming, but we got a pet.
A sweet little cat named Mayflower. She's a six month old tortiseshell kitten with personality to spare. Affectionate, sweet, not remotely shy, she hungers for affection (sometimes at bad times, like five o'clock in the morning) but outgoing and sweet.
How it came about was a meant to be situation.
I was at my friend Amanda's house. I was talking to her about the things I'd been experiencing, and how I was feeling. I said that I was lonely at night, and had too much time to think. I mentioned how nice it would be to have a small warm body around to cuddle with at night. Just to chill. Someone to distract me. She has a small cat named Jax. She's a sweet little thing and Amanda mentioned how having a cat can be such a great relaxer. I thought "hmm..." because I'd asked Jeff recently and started to cry. I started to realize, I needed someone around. Even if it was a small someone who purrs and cuddles.
I went online at Amanda's house to look at the Edmonton Humane Society's webpage. I was also very eager to go to their new facility that they just built and had opened the week before. I wanted to see what it was like but knew that I couldn't go unless I was getting a pet. I haven't had a pet since I put my dog down 2 1/2 years ago. And that was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
Besides not having a pet that long, I have a little girl who doesn't favour animals the way Logan and I do. She's scared of my in-laws cats and my family's dogs. But she would have to get over that eventually. All sides have pets. Hell, her godparents have a farm!
So anyway, on the website, I saw this cute little cat. I figured it'd be hard to find her, but thought, why not go look. The drive was so long, but it was worth it. Logan and Olivia fell asleep for a while, and given they each had a cold, it was a good thing.
After passing the Humane Society's building three times...(well...read my previous blog...it's been a crazy two weeks) I got there. I walked into a beautiful building, filled with light, fresh air, and a ton of animals.
I went into one room, got bumrushed by two cats who wanted love really bad! One of them, I picked up, he seemed sweet. Then he went around the room and beat the hell out of each cat there. So yeah. He wasn't for us.
I went into the "cat condo" room right at the end of the hallway. In the last cage, there was Mayflower. I picked her up, and she immediately settled into my arms. She let the kids pet her and never shied away. Even Olivia was interested in her. Which sealed it, but still I thought I should look around. See who else might catch my attention. I looked carefully in each cage, saw a few that were sweet, but no one caught my attention like Mayflower did.
So I picked up her paperwork, and went to the desk to wait. And wait, and wait. Then they got the kitty and brought her to the interview room where they let her out. And she just wandered around, sniffing, with a 22 month old and a five year old following her around "Come here kitty, Hi kitty, nice kitty" and she just chilled. She checked everything out, and just chilled.
The ride home was relatively uneventful. She barely made a sound, but for the occasional mew.
I pulled up in front of the Petcetera near our house. There's a HUGE sign "Everything in store 20-70% off!" WOW! YES!! Kitty litter, regularly 10.77, 3.27!! MY GOD!! Toys 20% off, food 20%off...this is awesome! So I get my things, watch as the girl makes mistakes that work out in my favour (she knew she was doing it...didn't really care either) paid for them and went home.
I brought the cat into the house, opened her box and expected her to bolt and hide. Boy...I was wrong. She came out of the box and immediately started to explore. This is too good. Okay, so now I wait for her to do something wrong. Nothing. I was on the phone with my mother in law and my cat was now winding her way over my shoulders, through my arm holding the phone, just purring like an engine.
Bedtime. Okay. It's going to be a long night. I just know it. I can feel it. And....
I was wrong. Mayflower was a little wary of my bedroom, especially the white polar bear on my bed. After Mayflower realized she could get under the covers and cuddle with an execeptionally warm body, she settled in for the night. The first two nights were tough. I've been dealing with anxiety attacks and with the new warm little body in my bed, it was hard to sleep, but I did it.
Mothers Day, we went for dinner with friends. I figured for sure that we'd come home to something bad. Nope. She was sleeping on the chair, right where we left her two hours beforehand.
So our little kitten has settled very quickly into our lives. She loves the kids, Olivia's coming around very quickly and doesn't always freak out when Mayflower comes to her. For what it's worth Mayflower really wants to be Olivia's friend. She follows her around, it's funny to watch. She's even decided that Olivia's bed is a good place for rest when we're out of the house. She lets Logan haul her around, and cuddles in his lap on the big chair when he's up there chillin. It truly feels like it was meant to be. And that's what it should be. It shouldn't be a fight. And this won't be. She's a cute little cat, with alot of personality, and just wants love.
And we love her!! :)
A sweet little cat named Mayflower. She's a six month old tortiseshell kitten with personality to spare. Affectionate, sweet, not remotely shy, she hungers for affection (sometimes at bad times, like five o'clock in the morning) but outgoing and sweet.
How it came about was a meant to be situation.
I was at my friend Amanda's house. I was talking to her about the things I'd been experiencing, and how I was feeling. I said that I was lonely at night, and had too much time to think. I mentioned how nice it would be to have a small warm body around to cuddle with at night. Just to chill. Someone to distract me. She has a small cat named Jax. She's a sweet little thing and Amanda mentioned how having a cat can be such a great relaxer. I thought "hmm..." because I'd asked Jeff recently and started to cry. I started to realize, I needed someone around. Even if it was a small someone who purrs and cuddles.
I went online at Amanda's house to look at the Edmonton Humane Society's webpage. I was also very eager to go to their new facility that they just built and had opened the week before. I wanted to see what it was like but knew that I couldn't go unless I was getting a pet. I haven't had a pet since I put my dog down 2 1/2 years ago. And that was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
Besides not having a pet that long, I have a little girl who doesn't favour animals the way Logan and I do. She's scared of my in-laws cats and my family's dogs. But she would have to get over that eventually. All sides have pets. Hell, her godparents have a farm!
So anyway, on the website, I saw this cute little cat. I figured it'd be hard to find her, but thought, why not go look. The drive was so long, but it was worth it. Logan and Olivia fell asleep for a while, and given they each had a cold, it was a good thing.
After passing the Humane Society's building three times...(well...read my previous blog...it's been a crazy two weeks) I got there. I walked into a beautiful building, filled with light, fresh air, and a ton of animals.
I went into one room, got bumrushed by two cats who wanted love really bad! One of them, I picked up, he seemed sweet. Then he went around the room and beat the hell out of each cat there. So yeah. He wasn't for us.
I went into the "cat condo" room right at the end of the hallway. In the last cage, there was Mayflower. I picked her up, and she immediately settled into my arms. She let the kids pet her and never shied away. Even Olivia was interested in her. Which sealed it, but still I thought I should look around. See who else might catch my attention. I looked carefully in each cage, saw a few that were sweet, but no one caught my attention like Mayflower did.
So I picked up her paperwork, and went to the desk to wait. And wait, and wait. Then they got the kitty and brought her to the interview room where they let her out. And she just wandered around, sniffing, with a 22 month old and a five year old following her around "Come here kitty, Hi kitty, nice kitty" and she just chilled. She checked everything out, and just chilled.
The ride home was relatively uneventful. She barely made a sound, but for the occasional mew.
I pulled up in front of the Petcetera near our house. There's a HUGE sign "Everything in store 20-70% off!" WOW! YES!! Kitty litter, regularly 10.77, 3.27!! MY GOD!! Toys 20% off, food 20%off...this is awesome! So I get my things, watch as the girl makes mistakes that work out in my favour (she knew she was doing it...didn't really care either) paid for them and went home.
I brought the cat into the house, opened her box and expected her to bolt and hide. Boy...I was wrong. She came out of the box and immediately started to explore. This is too good. Okay, so now I wait for her to do something wrong. Nothing. I was on the phone with my mother in law and my cat was now winding her way over my shoulders, through my arm holding the phone, just purring like an engine.
Bedtime. Okay. It's going to be a long night. I just know it. I can feel it. And....
I was wrong. Mayflower was a little wary of my bedroom, especially the white polar bear on my bed. After Mayflower realized she could get under the covers and cuddle with an execeptionally warm body, she settled in for the night. The first two nights were tough. I've been dealing with anxiety attacks and with the new warm little body in my bed, it was hard to sleep, but I did it.
Mothers Day, we went for dinner with friends. I figured for sure that we'd come home to something bad. Nope. She was sleeping on the chair, right where we left her two hours beforehand.
So our little kitten has settled very quickly into our lives. She loves the kids, Olivia's coming around very quickly and doesn't always freak out when Mayflower comes to her. For what it's worth Mayflower really wants to be Olivia's friend. She follows her around, it's funny to watch. She's even decided that Olivia's bed is a good place for rest when we're out of the house. She lets Logan haul her around, and cuddles in his lap on the big chair when he's up there chillin. It truly feels like it was meant to be. And that's what it should be. It shouldn't be a fight. And this won't be. She's a cute little cat, with alot of personality, and just wants love.
And we love her!! :)
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