So yeah. I'm tired. Really tired. Bowl me over with a light wind tired.
But, it's a "good" tired. I don't really want to post the actual reasons for my exhaustion, but I believe that "everyone" who reads this blog know what's going on.
It's just that with the kids, it makes it difficult to cope with the exhaustion. The kids are good though. They don't argue too much about an afternoon nap, and Olivia will even let me lay down for an hour in the morning after we drop off Logan to school. So I've been resting. Just trying to keep myself from passing out in the grocery store or something embrassing! *hee hee hee*
Anyway, I'm hoping to "officially" post it all soon. Got to do a few things first before it's "official", and then I'm sure I'll blog regularily again!
I just needed to vent! :)
Shevaun
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
She's Going To Be Two
My little girl is going to be two. My sweet angelic cherubic doll will be two on Wednesday.
And I'm petrified!
She's a doll. She's a sweet little girl, who says "please" and "thank you" with little nudging. She makes "funny noises" and sweetly says "excuse me". She loves her dollies, she loves her brother and she loves her daddy. She's our little cuddlebug. Our Piglet...our girl. She's all I could ask for in a sweet little girl.
Until she's angry. And Holy Mother of Pearl, do we ever hear about it. That sweet little angelic, cherubic face scrunches up, gets red like a tomato and her eyes go wide and she lets it rip.
Seriously? This is my angel? My doll, my princess?
Yes, indeedy. It is. And we are entering the "terrible Two's" with a vengence.
With Logan, we never experienced the "terrible Two's". We found out what "real" toddlers were like when he hit the "terrifying Threes". God. Boys at three...Whoa. Not fun.
Girls at two...whoa. Not fun.
My daughter is a very independent (I want to get my own yogurt!) very opinionated (I don't wike that!) and very bossy (NO! Don't cook the steak Mommy!) little girl with a heart of gold and the emotional range of Meryl Streep. This kid can go from happy, laughing little girl to tantruming, foot stomping rage-a-holic and then back to the sweet little girl in about thirty seconds. I am thinking "Drama Queen" barely covers it. "Princess" is often high on our list of titles for her.
No. This isn't anything new. This is who she is, who's she's been since the start. I'm just finding that she's more capable of freaking out over the smallest things in a very quick period of time, more frequently. Ahhh...two. What a magical time.
The qualities I see in her, empathy, independence, opinionated, friendly, happy, sweet, and yes, even bossy, will serve her well in her future I hope. She's a truly empathetic little girl, who doesn't like to see people hurt or crying. It bugs her greatly. Her independence has been proven time and time again and has proven to be a great thing for her. She can be a little bit shy at times, but her curiosity and independence comes up and things get better. Her opinions and bossiness I could do without right now, but as she gets older, she needs to learn to assert herself. Pray I can teach her to assert herself a with a little more tact than her daddy.
She loves big, plays big and just in general is bigger than life.
Her intelligence staggers me on a regular basis. A normal conversation (yes...I have conversations with my two year old) can go something like:
"Where's the kitty?"
"I don't know. Where is the kitty?"
"Probably in the basement."
Or she asks me what something is in a book, tells me about a bird she sees or hears, or does more like me and chatters like no one's listening. She asked me about what something was in a book and I said "It's a constellation. Can you say constellation."
With very little thinking, she looks at the book and says "Constellation." My dad heard her today repeat constellation, cosmonaut, astronaut and reccommended. I'm guessing these aren't normal words for a two year old. But she says them so you can understand them. She's been speaking three and four word sentences since she was 14/15 months old, rarely if ever grunts or points for an object and is usually quite clear in her choices.
I love my daughter so much. She looks at me and smiles and I just can't help but smile back. She's such a sweet little cutie with her beautiful blonde curls and her big blue eyes. I think that's what makes it so easy to "forgive" her bossiness. She does it with such authority but is so cute, it's hard to be angry. I do try to nip it in the bud, but ... well. Just but. You'd have to experience it to understand.
When I had Logan, and I fell so madly in love with him, I couldn't imagine that there could POSSIBLY be anymore space in my heart. I guess I knew there could be, if there had to be, but I didn't realize just how much bigger my heart would become with the birth of a little girl who we tried so hard to have, not knowing what we were getting ourselves into.
For the past two years, Olivia has given me more joy than I could have ever expected. Logan and Olivia together are my perfect pair. They play together, they love each other and hopefully one day they will be great friends together. Even though we had tried and tried after Logan, with little success until the medication, I realized and understood something:
Children are given to us at time when we need them.
Logan helped us to move forward in our lives, giving us a reason to do the things we were destined to do.
Olivia helped me be a better woman, by making me understand that one day, she is going to look to me to help her become the woman I hope she will become. I am her strongest role model, her greatest ally and one day I hope we will be the best of friends. Until then, I am mommy to a remarkable little girl filled with more potential in her little finger than I could have ever hoped for in my entire body.
Happy Birthday my Little Princess! Here's to many more years together, through laughter and tears, joy and sadness, love and loss, and everything else in between! I love you more than you will ever understand!
Life is good!
And I'm petrified!
She's a doll. She's a sweet little girl, who says "please" and "thank you" with little nudging. She makes "funny noises" and sweetly says "excuse me". She loves her dollies, she loves her brother and she loves her daddy. She's our little cuddlebug. Our Piglet...our girl. She's all I could ask for in a sweet little girl.
Until she's angry. And Holy Mother of Pearl, do we ever hear about it. That sweet little angelic, cherubic face scrunches up, gets red like a tomato and her eyes go wide and she lets it rip.
Seriously? This is my angel? My doll, my princess?
Yes, indeedy. It is. And we are entering the "terrible Two's" with a vengence.
With Logan, we never experienced the "terrible Two's". We found out what "real" toddlers were like when he hit the "terrifying Threes". God. Boys at three...Whoa. Not fun.
Girls at two...whoa. Not fun.
My daughter is a very independent (I want to get my own yogurt!) very opinionated (I don't wike that!) and very bossy (NO! Don't cook the steak Mommy!) little girl with a heart of gold and the emotional range of Meryl Streep. This kid can go from happy, laughing little girl to tantruming, foot stomping rage-a-holic and then back to the sweet little girl in about thirty seconds. I am thinking "Drama Queen" barely covers it. "Princess" is often high on our list of titles for her.
No. This isn't anything new. This is who she is, who's she's been since the start. I'm just finding that she's more capable of freaking out over the smallest things in a very quick period of time, more frequently. Ahhh...two. What a magical time.
The qualities I see in her, empathy, independence, opinionated, friendly, happy, sweet, and yes, even bossy, will serve her well in her future I hope. She's a truly empathetic little girl, who doesn't like to see people hurt or crying. It bugs her greatly. Her independence has been proven time and time again and has proven to be a great thing for her. She can be a little bit shy at times, but her curiosity and independence comes up and things get better. Her opinions and bossiness I could do without right now, but as she gets older, she needs to learn to assert herself. Pray I can teach her to assert herself a with a little more tact than her daddy.
She loves big, plays big and just in general is bigger than life.
Her intelligence staggers me on a regular basis. A normal conversation (yes...I have conversations with my two year old) can go something like:
"Where's the kitty?"
"I don't know. Where is the kitty?"
"Probably in the basement."
Or she asks me what something is in a book, tells me about a bird she sees or hears, or does more like me and chatters like no one's listening. She asked me about what something was in a book and I said "It's a constellation. Can you say constellation."
With very little thinking, she looks at the book and says "Constellation." My dad heard her today repeat constellation, cosmonaut, astronaut and reccommended. I'm guessing these aren't normal words for a two year old. But she says them so you can understand them. She's been speaking three and four word sentences since she was 14/15 months old, rarely if ever grunts or points for an object and is usually quite clear in her choices.
I love my daughter so much. She looks at me and smiles and I just can't help but smile back. She's such a sweet little cutie with her beautiful blonde curls and her big blue eyes. I think that's what makes it so easy to "forgive" her bossiness. She does it with such authority but is so cute, it's hard to be angry. I do try to nip it in the bud, but ... well. Just but. You'd have to experience it to understand.
When I had Logan, and I fell so madly in love with him, I couldn't imagine that there could POSSIBLY be anymore space in my heart. I guess I knew there could be, if there had to be, but I didn't realize just how much bigger my heart would become with the birth of a little girl who we tried so hard to have, not knowing what we were getting ourselves into.
For the past two years, Olivia has given me more joy than I could have ever expected. Logan and Olivia together are my perfect pair. They play together, they love each other and hopefully one day they will be great friends together. Even though we had tried and tried after Logan, with little success until the medication, I realized and understood something:
Children are given to us at time when we need them.
Logan helped us to move forward in our lives, giving us a reason to do the things we were destined to do.
Olivia helped me be a better woman, by making me understand that one day, she is going to look to me to help her become the woman I hope she will become. I am her strongest role model, her greatest ally and one day I hope we will be the best of friends. Until then, I am mommy to a remarkable little girl filled with more potential in her little finger than I could have ever hoped for in my entire body.
Happy Birthday my Little Princess! Here's to many more years together, through laughter and tears, joy and sadness, love and loss, and everything else in between! I love you more than you will ever understand!
Life is good!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Gravity Sucks
So in recent days, I've had a few interesting situations.
The other day, after the diaper fell off Olivia's bum, the two of them decided to play "Hairdresser". I didn't realize that it meant that they were actually using real hair product.
I was sitting at the table at dinner and I looked at Logan and asked him, "Why does your hair look wet?"
"It's not wet."
"Yes it is. I can tell. The top of your hair is flat."
"Oh, well it's not wet."
And I left it at that. I didn't really understand why he was arguing, I could plainly see it was "wet".
A little after dinner, I smell something not unpleasant, but familiar, and look up on the first landing of our stairs to find Olivia playing with my hair mousse. Okay. Mystery solved. It wasn't wet, it was slicked down with hair mousse. *sigh*
A couple hours later, I was outside having a conversation with my neighbour over our fence. I hear "HI MOMMY!"
I look up to find Logan standing IN his window. As in ON his window sill. Uh...
His room is on the second floor, with nothing below but concrete to stop his fall. *HEART ATTACK CITY!!!* NOW, I had placed a plank in his window because alot of evenings in the summertime, the kids that live on the other side of us will stand outside of our yard and yell Logan's name. If his window is open all the way, he will yell back. SO the window was only open about two to three inches. Not enough for him to fall through the screen, but as I was talking to my neighbour, she informed me that he'd been in the window before................ Oh heavens.
I go upstairs after it sort of sinks in, to discuss with my son the reasons WHY this is so bad. I start to cry, because frankly, all I can picture is my little boy, falling from his window. The results of which could be death. Perhaps not, but I mean, the injuries would be pretty greivous at best.
I tell him about who would miss him, mommy, daddy, Olivia, grandmas and grandpas, uncles and aunts, friends, etc. I tell him how he wouldn't be able to see us anymore. There'd be no more Logan. Totally broke my heart to even say it, but Logan's not the type of kid you say "Don't do that!" and he stops. He needs a bit more convincing.
I go up there a little while later, only to CATCH HIM IN HIS WINDOW AGAIN!! OMG!! So I break out the big guns. Please don't judge me for what I'm about to say. I was grasping at straws at this point, trying to get it to my son WHY this is such a bad idea.
I said to him "Do you remember when Tristan died?" (Tristan was our dog until Logan was 2 1/2. Unbelieveably enough, he remembers this and mentions it frequently to various individuals)
He nods.
"Okay then. If you fall out of your window, it will be like that. They will take you to the hospital and you won't be coming home."
That made something click. But in doing so, I made him cry. Man...I'm a jerk. But I can't feel bad about it. I need to get it across to him. I take away the ladder to his bed, to keep him from climbing. Turns out, he doesn't need the ladder. He just climbs up the side of his bed, uses the window sill, then gets what he wants out of his bed. Monkey child...great. I always wanted one of those........
I question if perhaps we should look into gymnastics. I mean, why not? But then, he'd LEARN how to climb. BUT maybe if we used it like Karate, where it's told to people that you only use in self defense, not for any other reason...maybe. Just maybe, another adult's voice in his head saying "You only do gymnastics in the gym." might click. It's crazy enough to work!
Next day, he's outside playing. I know the neighbour kids are outside. I bet you're asking,
"Why doesn't she let Logan play with the neighbour kids?"
I have plenty of reasons, I won't go into them now, but there are plenty of issues regarding this family. I've had to call the police more than once about them, and I don't want to be mixed up with this family. And I won't let my five year old run around the streets by himself. No way. The little girl in question is his age, we live on a bus route and she's frequently out on her own, with no adult supervision more often than not. I refuse to allow my child to be out there on his own. He's like a beagle. His nose would hit the ground, his curiosity would flare and he'd wind up 5 kms away from home. And that's just ONE of the reasons. I think that alone is JUST FINE!
Anyway, she was outside the yard, talking to him. I could hear them. I had come into the house for a few minutes (I have two windows facing my postage stamp yard. It's not like I can't see them) and when I came back outside, he was STANDING ON THE MAILBOX! Okay. I own a monkey for a child. Back to discussing head injuries with him, informing him about how bad he could hurt himself. How much he could lose from a head injury and that's worst case. Best case, he'd sprain or break a bone. Still not a good option!
It was an incredibly trying 24 hours. Since then, my daughter's diaper has fallen off AGAIN, both Logan and Olivia have each fallen down at least one set of the stairs (I have three landings and each set of stairs is only four to five carpeted stairs. It's not so bad). Olivia fell down at the park and scraped her knee and "required" a Dora bandaid. My children are bruised, battered and beaten in the leg area. I almost just want to put pants on them just so people don't think I beat them!
And so I say this with absolute authority...
GRAVITY SUCKS!!
The other day, after the diaper fell off Olivia's bum, the two of them decided to play "Hairdresser". I didn't realize that it meant that they were actually using real hair product.
I was sitting at the table at dinner and I looked at Logan and asked him, "Why does your hair look wet?"
"It's not wet."
"Yes it is. I can tell. The top of your hair is flat."
"Oh, well it's not wet."
And I left it at that. I didn't really understand why he was arguing, I could plainly see it was "wet".
A little after dinner, I smell something not unpleasant, but familiar, and look up on the first landing of our stairs to find Olivia playing with my hair mousse. Okay. Mystery solved. It wasn't wet, it was slicked down with hair mousse. *sigh*
A couple hours later, I was outside having a conversation with my neighbour over our fence. I hear "HI MOMMY!"
I look up to find Logan standing IN his window. As in ON his window sill. Uh...
His room is on the second floor, with nothing below but concrete to stop his fall. *HEART ATTACK CITY!!!* NOW, I had placed a plank in his window because alot of evenings in the summertime, the kids that live on the other side of us will stand outside of our yard and yell Logan's name. If his window is open all the way, he will yell back. SO the window was only open about two to three inches. Not enough for him to fall through the screen, but as I was talking to my neighbour, she informed me that he'd been in the window before................ Oh heavens.
I go upstairs after it sort of sinks in, to discuss with my son the reasons WHY this is so bad. I start to cry, because frankly, all I can picture is my little boy, falling from his window. The results of which could be death. Perhaps not, but I mean, the injuries would be pretty greivous at best.
I tell him about who would miss him, mommy, daddy, Olivia, grandmas and grandpas, uncles and aunts, friends, etc. I tell him how he wouldn't be able to see us anymore. There'd be no more Logan. Totally broke my heart to even say it, but Logan's not the type of kid you say "Don't do that!" and he stops. He needs a bit more convincing.
I go up there a little while later, only to CATCH HIM IN HIS WINDOW AGAIN!! OMG!! So I break out the big guns. Please don't judge me for what I'm about to say. I was grasping at straws at this point, trying to get it to my son WHY this is such a bad idea.
I said to him "Do you remember when Tristan died?" (Tristan was our dog until Logan was 2 1/2. Unbelieveably enough, he remembers this and mentions it frequently to various individuals)
He nods.
"Okay then. If you fall out of your window, it will be like that. They will take you to the hospital and you won't be coming home."
That made something click. But in doing so, I made him cry. Man...I'm a jerk. But I can't feel bad about it. I need to get it across to him. I take away the ladder to his bed, to keep him from climbing. Turns out, he doesn't need the ladder. He just climbs up the side of his bed, uses the window sill, then gets what he wants out of his bed. Monkey child...great. I always wanted one of those........
I question if perhaps we should look into gymnastics. I mean, why not? But then, he'd LEARN how to climb. BUT maybe if we used it like Karate, where it's told to people that you only use in self defense, not for any other reason...maybe. Just maybe, another adult's voice in his head saying "You only do gymnastics in the gym." might click. It's crazy enough to work!
Next day, he's outside playing. I know the neighbour kids are outside. I bet you're asking,
"Why doesn't she let Logan play with the neighbour kids?"
I have plenty of reasons, I won't go into them now, but there are plenty of issues regarding this family. I've had to call the police more than once about them, and I don't want to be mixed up with this family. And I won't let my five year old run around the streets by himself. No way. The little girl in question is his age, we live on a bus route and she's frequently out on her own, with no adult supervision more often than not. I refuse to allow my child to be out there on his own. He's like a beagle. His nose would hit the ground, his curiosity would flare and he'd wind up 5 kms away from home. And that's just ONE of the reasons. I think that alone is JUST FINE!
Anyway, she was outside the yard, talking to him. I could hear them. I had come into the house for a few minutes (I have two windows facing my postage stamp yard. It's not like I can't see them) and when I came back outside, he was STANDING ON THE MAILBOX! Okay. I own a monkey for a child. Back to discussing head injuries with him, informing him about how bad he could hurt himself. How much he could lose from a head injury and that's worst case. Best case, he'd sprain or break a bone. Still not a good option!
It was an incredibly trying 24 hours. Since then, my daughter's diaper has fallen off AGAIN, both Logan and Olivia have each fallen down at least one set of the stairs (I have three landings and each set of stairs is only four to five carpeted stairs. It's not so bad). Olivia fell down at the park and scraped her knee and "required" a Dora bandaid. My children are bruised, battered and beaten in the leg area. I almost just want to put pants on them just so people don't think I beat them!
And so I say this with absolute authority...
GRAVITY SUCKS!!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Potty Training?
So I've been changing diapers for the past five years. I'm pretty good at it now. Just about a pro. I can change a diaper anywhere, any kind. I've actually gone to change Olivia's diaper in the mall here and found out that **GASP** there were no diapers in the diaper bag. That was harsh. Thankfully, we were in a mall, close to a Shoppers Drug Mart. Too bad the lady in front of me had to count each piece of change she had then aruge about the price of something. **SIGH** That left me in a bad spot, hoping that my daughter was sitting diaperless with my friends and didn't make a nasty mess in them. Then I'd have to buy new pants, cause I didn't have those in the bag either.
Anyway, now here we are, one month shy of 2 and Olivia's starting to become intersted in potties and peeing in them. Has she yet? Nope. But Logan yells out "I have to go pee!!" And Olivia repeats "I have to go pee too!!" And then screams blue murder when he closes the door.
I went to Ikea, because on a hot tip, one of the ladies at one of my playgroups let me know that I can get potties for 3.00!! THREE DOLLARS!! I'm not kidding. So I bought two. They are solid plastic, no little cup to pee around, so easier to clean up! I was so excited. We brought the potties home and Olivia wears them on her head (as she wears it, she yells "BUCKET HEAD!!"), falls off of them, plays on them, but at least she's paying attention to them.
Today, she came downstairs, and I noticed that her new diaper was hanging out of the shorts of her pj's. I said, "Olivia, your diaper's falling off!!"
"Take it off! Take diapee off!" (she doesn't say -er yet. Everything with -er is -ee. We don't encourage it, it just is how she says things.)
So I took the diaper off and realized this was a great opportunity to try the potty. I have one downstairs, one upstairs. She took the one in the living room, sat on it for about 10 seconds, got off and then picked it up. Thank heaven's she didn't pee in it. She tipped it over her head and proceeded to carry it around. Then she found out when you dropped it, it bounces, sometimes back to the way it should be! It became a game of tossing the potty....great.
I asked her if she wanted to wear her princess panties (Disney Princesses are popular) or a diaper. She said panties. So Logan went upstairs, got her three or four pair and I put her in a pair of white Ariel panties. I said,
"When you have to pee, sit on the potty!"
She sat on the potty and Logan decided that she needed to take her panties off, and it wound up being a chase to get her panties off...<> When the chase was over because I said "STOP! You're going to knock her down!" she sat up in our big comfy chair, then wandered over to me about two seconds later and says,
"I peed."
Anyway, now here we are, one month shy of 2 and Olivia's starting to become intersted in potties and peeing in them. Has she yet? Nope. But Logan yells out "I have to go pee!!" And Olivia repeats "I have to go pee too!!" And then screams blue murder when he closes the door.
I went to Ikea, because on a hot tip, one of the ladies at one of my playgroups let me know that I can get potties for 3.00!! THREE DOLLARS!! I'm not kidding. So I bought two. They are solid plastic, no little cup to pee around, so easier to clean up! I was so excited. We brought the potties home and Olivia wears them on her head (as she wears it, she yells "BUCKET HEAD!!"), falls off of them, plays on them, but at least she's paying attention to them.
Today, she came downstairs, and I noticed that her new diaper was hanging out of the shorts of her pj's. I said, "Olivia, your diaper's falling off!!"
"Take it off! Take diapee off!" (she doesn't say -er yet. Everything with -er is -ee. We don't encourage it, it just is how she says things.)
So I took the diaper off and realized this was a great opportunity to try the potty. I have one downstairs, one upstairs. She took the one in the living room, sat on it for about 10 seconds, got off and then picked it up. Thank heaven's she didn't pee in it. She tipped it over her head and proceeded to carry it around. Then she found out when you dropped it, it bounces, sometimes back to the way it should be! It became a game of tossing the potty....great.
I asked her if she wanted to wear her princess panties (Disney Princesses are popular) or a diaper. She said panties. So Logan went upstairs, got her three or four pair and I put her in a pair of white Ariel panties. I said,
"When you have to pee, sit on the potty!"
She sat on the potty and Logan decided that she needed to take her panties off, and it wound up being a chase to get her panties off...<
"I peed."
Monday, May 25, 2009
Coming Around
Well, life is sure changing. In a great way though. Weird how a little pill can help you gain perspective, but along with that pill, I needed to talk to someone else. Someone outside my scope of family or friends. Someone who can ask questions. Someone who can make me feel like I'm in a safe place, where I can say anything, about anyone and know that no matter what I say, none of it is "wrong" or "right". It just is what it is and it is how I feel. It's fair. I'm allowed. And I won't apologize for anything I have to say.
To put it in a bit of a crazy way, the little pill has helped to quell the little "voices". The niggling little "voices" who tell me I'm not good enough (even though I know I am), who tell me that I said the wrong thing (and if I did, who cares), who tell me that I need to make sure that everyone else is happy before I am (which I totally know is wrong, but it's how I've lived for so long, I don't know how else to live). They also tell me that I'm at risk for silly things that I can't worry about, because let's face it, if something is going to happen to us, why worry about it? It will happen if it happens. Life's like that.
Life is what happens while you're worrying about and planning life.
Alot of the time, we spend so much time worrying about things like swine flu,or whatever malady might strike us where we will be in five years, what we will do tomorrow, how we will get that car, truck, tv, house, (whatever it might be we're coveting). We don't take the time to be happy in the moment, love life as it is and take in the beauty around us. I know, I know, it sounds so cheezy, but it's so true. We worry so much about having the "things"we don't have that we don't appreciate the "Things" we have around us. I don't worry so much anymore about alot of stuff. I'm coming around. I'm working on getting past worrying about other people's problems and how they view me. It's time for me. It's time for my kids, and it's time for my husband. It's time for MY family. I will always be there for my friends, willing to help out if I can, but if I can't I won't tear myself up if I have to say no. I won't worry that my friend won't love me anymore, or they won't want to ask me for assisstance anymore. I will just live my life and hope they appreciate the fact that I need to be with MY family.
My scope is very narrow right now. I am focused on me, my kids and Jeff. Plain and simple. When we have something WE want to do, WE will do it, albeit a trip to Waterton Lakes, or anywhere else. We will have our schedule, where we will be, when we will be there and it will be our time. Other people are always welcome to join us, but I won't be able to adjust my plans. It's time for us to schedule time for us. We have big plans for this summer. Lots of travel, lots of places to see, things to do. We're excited. And it's our time. We will get there when and if we get there. If we get sidetracked and wind up in the mountains somewhere, AWESOME! If we don't, AWESOME! :) It's just so much easier when we say "Here's our plan. See you if wish to join us!"
Otherwise, I'm still going to more counselling. I loved her. She reminded me alot of one of my friends, so I knew right away that I'd like her. She was willing to let this rambling, bumbling, chatty woman to talk about the things she needs to deal with most, and help to guide me through it.
So, like I said, I'm coming around. It's happening faster than I ever thought it could. And I'm becoming happier, calmer, a little bit less anxious everyday. I've gone from perpetual anxiety for just about three weeks straight, to only two "attacks" (because I don't know what else to call them) in the past week. The first was relatively minor but lasted several hours, but the last one last Friday was quick and didn't last long at all. Just got an achy chest, then relaxed, watched two movies and had a ton of fun!! So it's been good. All of it. It's working out quickly, and thankfully, I'm on the right track!!
So, basically, sorry to those who this change might affect. It's time for me to change. I know that there are some people who it will affect...but I mean, I can't make things better for anyone else before I make things better for myself! Life moves forward...time marches on.
And so do I!
To put it in a bit of a crazy way, the little pill has helped to quell the little "voices". The niggling little "voices" who tell me I'm not good enough (even though I know I am), who tell me that I said the wrong thing (and if I did, who cares), who tell me that I need to make sure that everyone else is happy before I am (which I totally know is wrong, but it's how I've lived for so long, I don't know how else to live). They also tell me that I'm at risk for silly things that I can't worry about, because let's face it, if something is going to happen to us, why worry about it? It will happen if it happens. Life's like that.
Life is what happens while you're worrying about and planning life.
Alot of the time, we spend so much time worrying about things like swine flu,or whatever malady might strike us where we will be in five years, what we will do tomorrow, how we will get that car, truck, tv, house, (whatever it might be we're coveting). We don't take the time to be happy in the moment, love life as it is and take in the beauty around us. I know, I know, it sounds so cheezy, but it's so true. We worry so much about having the "things"we don't have that we don't appreciate the "Things" we have around us. I don't worry so much anymore about alot of stuff. I'm coming around. I'm working on getting past worrying about other people's problems and how they view me. It's time for me. It's time for my kids, and it's time for my husband. It's time for MY family. I will always be there for my friends, willing to help out if I can, but if I can't I won't tear myself up if I have to say no. I won't worry that my friend won't love me anymore, or they won't want to ask me for assisstance anymore. I will just live my life and hope they appreciate the fact that I need to be with MY family.
My scope is very narrow right now. I am focused on me, my kids and Jeff. Plain and simple. When we have something WE want to do, WE will do it, albeit a trip to Waterton Lakes, or anywhere else. We will have our schedule, where we will be, when we will be there and it will be our time. Other people are always welcome to join us, but I won't be able to adjust my plans. It's time for us to schedule time for us. We have big plans for this summer. Lots of travel, lots of places to see, things to do. We're excited. And it's our time. We will get there when and if we get there. If we get sidetracked and wind up in the mountains somewhere, AWESOME! If we don't, AWESOME! :) It's just so much easier when we say "Here's our plan. See you if wish to join us!"
Otherwise, I'm still going to more counselling. I loved her. She reminded me alot of one of my friends, so I knew right away that I'd like her. She was willing to let this rambling, bumbling, chatty woman to talk about the things she needs to deal with most, and help to guide me through it.
So, like I said, I'm coming around. It's happening faster than I ever thought it could. And I'm becoming happier, calmer, a little bit less anxious everyday. I've gone from perpetual anxiety for just about three weeks straight, to only two "attacks" (because I don't know what else to call them) in the past week. The first was relatively minor but lasted several hours, but the last one last Friday was quick and didn't last long at all. Just got an achy chest, then relaxed, watched two movies and had a ton of fun!! So it's been good. All of it. It's working out quickly, and thankfully, I'm on the right track!!
So, basically, sorry to those who this change might affect. It's time for me to change. I know that there are some people who it will affect...but I mean, I can't make things better for anyone else before I make things better for myself! Life moves forward...time marches on.
And so do I!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
My Thought For Today
You must be open to change in order to have effective change in your life.
Take from that what you want. For me, it means that I'm super stoked to see my new counsellor next Thursday. I want to make effective, positive change in my life, and I plan by fixing a few things first. Learning to deal with my emotions and thoughts in a positive way. I don't want to be on the meds forever. Therapy WITH the meds will help for the time being. After that, time will tell.
Sounds sort of esoteric, but on a journey of self discovery, it can be a bit esoteric. I'll be weird for a while. I'll be a bit strange, a bit well...estoeric. I'm coming around. Things are changing.
I am changing.
And it's good change.
Take from that what you want. For me, it means that I'm super stoked to see my new counsellor next Thursday. I want to make effective, positive change in my life, and I plan by fixing a few things first. Learning to deal with my emotions and thoughts in a positive way. I don't want to be on the meds forever. Therapy WITH the meds will help for the time being. After that, time will tell.
Sounds sort of esoteric, but on a journey of self discovery, it can be a bit esoteric. I'll be weird for a while. I'll be a bit strange, a bit well...estoeric. I'm coming around. Things are changing.
I am changing.
And it's good change.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Mayflower
So, I've been dealing with alot of feelings of loneliness, frustration at being lonely, because let's face it, I don't NEED to be entertained. Right? Anyway, it's been a long time in coming, but we got a pet.
A sweet little cat named Mayflower. She's a six month old tortiseshell kitten with personality to spare. Affectionate, sweet, not remotely shy, she hungers for affection (sometimes at bad times, like five o'clock in the morning) but outgoing and sweet.
How it came about was a meant to be situation.
I was at my friend Amanda's house. I was talking to her about the things I'd been experiencing, and how I was feeling. I said that I was lonely at night, and had too much time to think. I mentioned how nice it would be to have a small warm body around to cuddle with at night. Just to chill. Someone to distract me. She has a small cat named Jax. She's a sweet little thing and Amanda mentioned how having a cat can be such a great relaxer. I thought "hmm..." because I'd asked Jeff recently and started to cry. I started to realize, I needed someone around. Even if it was a small someone who purrs and cuddles.
I went online at Amanda's house to look at the Edmonton Humane Society's webpage. I was also very eager to go to their new facility that they just built and had opened the week before. I wanted to see what it was like but knew that I couldn't go unless I was getting a pet. I haven't had a pet since I put my dog down 2 1/2 years ago. And that was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
Besides not having a pet that long, I have a little girl who doesn't favour animals the way Logan and I do. She's scared of my in-laws cats and my family's dogs. But she would have to get over that eventually. All sides have pets. Hell, her godparents have a farm!
So anyway, on the website, I saw this cute little cat. I figured it'd be hard to find her, but thought, why not go look. The drive was so long, but it was worth it. Logan and Olivia fell asleep for a while, and given they each had a cold, it was a good thing.
After passing the Humane Society's building three times...(well...read my previous blog...it's been a crazy two weeks) I got there. I walked into a beautiful building, filled with light, fresh air, and a ton of animals.
I went into one room, got bumrushed by two cats who wanted love really bad! One of them, I picked up, he seemed sweet. Then he went around the room and beat the hell out of each cat there. So yeah. He wasn't for us.
I went into the "cat condo" room right at the end of the hallway. In the last cage, there was Mayflower. I picked her up, and she immediately settled into my arms. She let the kids pet her and never shied away. Even Olivia was interested in her. Which sealed it, but still I thought I should look around. See who else might catch my attention. I looked carefully in each cage, saw a few that were sweet, but no one caught my attention like Mayflower did.
So I picked up her paperwork, and went to the desk to wait. And wait, and wait. Then they got the kitty and brought her to the interview room where they let her out. And she just wandered around, sniffing, with a 22 month old and a five year old following her around "Come here kitty, Hi kitty, nice kitty" and she just chilled. She checked everything out, and just chilled.
The ride home was relatively uneventful. She barely made a sound, but for the occasional mew.
I pulled up in front of the Petcetera near our house. There's a HUGE sign "Everything in store 20-70% off!" WOW! YES!! Kitty litter, regularly 10.77, 3.27!! MY GOD!! Toys 20% off, food 20%off...this is awesome! So I get my things, watch as the girl makes mistakes that work out in my favour (she knew she was doing it...didn't really care either) paid for them and went home.
I brought the cat into the house, opened her box and expected her to bolt and hide. Boy...I was wrong. She came out of the box and immediately started to explore. This is too good. Okay, so now I wait for her to do something wrong. Nothing. I was on the phone with my mother in law and my cat was now winding her way over my shoulders, through my arm holding the phone, just purring like an engine.
Bedtime. Okay. It's going to be a long night. I just know it. I can feel it. And....
I was wrong. Mayflower was a little wary of my bedroom, especially the white polar bear on my bed. After Mayflower realized she could get under the covers and cuddle with an execeptionally warm body, she settled in for the night. The first two nights were tough. I've been dealing with anxiety attacks and with the new warm little body in my bed, it was hard to sleep, but I did it.
Mothers Day, we went for dinner with friends. I figured for sure that we'd come home to something bad. Nope. She was sleeping on the chair, right where we left her two hours beforehand.
So our little kitten has settled very quickly into our lives. She loves the kids, Olivia's coming around very quickly and doesn't always freak out when Mayflower comes to her. For what it's worth Mayflower really wants to be Olivia's friend. She follows her around, it's funny to watch. She's even decided that Olivia's bed is a good place for rest when we're out of the house. She lets Logan haul her around, and cuddles in his lap on the big chair when he's up there chillin. It truly feels like it was meant to be. And that's what it should be. It shouldn't be a fight. And this won't be. She's a cute little cat, with alot of personality, and just wants love.
And we love her!! :)
A sweet little cat named Mayflower. She's a six month old tortiseshell kitten with personality to spare. Affectionate, sweet, not remotely shy, she hungers for affection (sometimes at bad times, like five o'clock in the morning) but outgoing and sweet.
How it came about was a meant to be situation.
I was at my friend Amanda's house. I was talking to her about the things I'd been experiencing, and how I was feeling. I said that I was lonely at night, and had too much time to think. I mentioned how nice it would be to have a small warm body around to cuddle with at night. Just to chill. Someone to distract me. She has a small cat named Jax. She's a sweet little thing and Amanda mentioned how having a cat can be such a great relaxer. I thought "hmm..." because I'd asked Jeff recently and started to cry. I started to realize, I needed someone around. Even if it was a small someone who purrs and cuddles.
I went online at Amanda's house to look at the Edmonton Humane Society's webpage. I was also very eager to go to their new facility that they just built and had opened the week before. I wanted to see what it was like but knew that I couldn't go unless I was getting a pet. I haven't had a pet since I put my dog down 2 1/2 years ago. And that was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
Besides not having a pet that long, I have a little girl who doesn't favour animals the way Logan and I do. She's scared of my in-laws cats and my family's dogs. But she would have to get over that eventually. All sides have pets. Hell, her godparents have a farm!
So anyway, on the website, I saw this cute little cat. I figured it'd be hard to find her, but thought, why not go look. The drive was so long, but it was worth it. Logan and Olivia fell asleep for a while, and given they each had a cold, it was a good thing.
After passing the Humane Society's building three times...(well...read my previous blog...it's been a crazy two weeks) I got there. I walked into a beautiful building, filled with light, fresh air, and a ton of animals.
I went into one room, got bumrushed by two cats who wanted love really bad! One of them, I picked up, he seemed sweet. Then he went around the room and beat the hell out of each cat there. So yeah. He wasn't for us.
I went into the "cat condo" room right at the end of the hallway. In the last cage, there was Mayflower. I picked her up, and she immediately settled into my arms. She let the kids pet her and never shied away. Even Olivia was interested in her. Which sealed it, but still I thought I should look around. See who else might catch my attention. I looked carefully in each cage, saw a few that were sweet, but no one caught my attention like Mayflower did.
So I picked up her paperwork, and went to the desk to wait. And wait, and wait. Then they got the kitty and brought her to the interview room where they let her out. And she just wandered around, sniffing, with a 22 month old and a five year old following her around "Come here kitty, Hi kitty, nice kitty" and she just chilled. She checked everything out, and just chilled.
The ride home was relatively uneventful. She barely made a sound, but for the occasional mew.
I pulled up in front of the Petcetera near our house. There's a HUGE sign "Everything in store 20-70% off!" WOW! YES!! Kitty litter, regularly 10.77, 3.27!! MY GOD!! Toys 20% off, food 20%off...this is awesome! So I get my things, watch as the girl makes mistakes that work out in my favour (she knew she was doing it...didn't really care either) paid for them and went home.
I brought the cat into the house, opened her box and expected her to bolt and hide. Boy...I was wrong. She came out of the box and immediately started to explore. This is too good. Okay, so now I wait for her to do something wrong. Nothing. I was on the phone with my mother in law and my cat was now winding her way over my shoulders, through my arm holding the phone, just purring like an engine.
Bedtime. Okay. It's going to be a long night. I just know it. I can feel it. And....
I was wrong. Mayflower was a little wary of my bedroom, especially the white polar bear on my bed. After Mayflower realized she could get under the covers and cuddle with an execeptionally warm body, she settled in for the night. The first two nights were tough. I've been dealing with anxiety attacks and with the new warm little body in my bed, it was hard to sleep, but I did it.
Mothers Day, we went for dinner with friends. I figured for sure that we'd come home to something bad. Nope. She was sleeping on the chair, right where we left her two hours beforehand.
So our little kitten has settled very quickly into our lives. She loves the kids, Olivia's coming around very quickly and doesn't always freak out when Mayflower comes to her. For what it's worth Mayflower really wants to be Olivia's friend. She follows her around, it's funny to watch. She's even decided that Olivia's bed is a good place for rest when we're out of the house. She lets Logan haul her around, and cuddles in his lap on the big chair when he's up there chillin. It truly feels like it was meant to be. And that's what it should be. It shouldn't be a fight. And this won't be. She's a cute little cat, with alot of personality, and just wants love.
And we love her!! :)
Changes
So life moves forward, sometimes without us. Sometimes, we get trapped in a cycle of wondering "Why am I here?" "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't I do anything right?" And on and on. Questions that we should ask, but not dwell on.
I haven't been dwelling perse on these questions. I've been wondering and worrying. Which is never a benefit to one's person. Sometimes, it's just best to let the worry wash over you, think on it for a few minutes, maybe even write it down, then move forward. I have trouble doing that. If something worries me, or bothers me, I dwell on it, worrying to the point where I wind up anxious about these things.
Two weeks ago, alot of the things that have been bothering me, the fact that I'm alone so much with so much time to think, finally got to me. I started having chest pains (which I'd had in the past, but not to this degree). Logan was awake, it was 1:30 in the morning, I had a birthday party to not only plan, but buy the food and supplies for, we were planning on moving beds around, giving Logan a new on, and Olivia was going into a bed for the first time. Not to mention, Jeff had been away for three weeks, and I was ready for a break. It all came down on me right away.
I called Health Link. I call them all the time when I have a health question, and chest pain definitely fit into that description. The nurse was sympathetic, but firm. She talked to me, went through the symptoms and when she learned of my situation with my husband, she understood almost immediately. She validated some feelings I'd been having, and I cried. Suddenly, the chest pain went away. Whoa...that was unexpected.
She says to me "I think you're suffering from anxiety." Huh. Anxiety eh? Well, alright. It fits. I went online, checked out a few sites regarding it, and found that alot of my symptoms, muscle pain, chest aches as well as a few others. So okay, I'm not dying. That was a relief. But then the questions started..."What's WRONG with me?" Because let's face it, chest pain? There's something wrong!
Jeff was home, we went to Calgary to get Logan's new bed, our birthday party was so much fun, we got rid of some garbage that we had had trouble getting rid of, it was just all good. It was perfect. How can I complain? In the meantime, the chest pain would come and go, I would get tired, it was a rough week. I tried to make an appointment with my doctor so I could figure this out, but she was out of town.
The following Monday, Jeff went back north, and I had cold starting. Not alot of fun. Olivia and I figured we could share it. Why not? I got to the doctor on Wednesday (no mean feat when I have to haul the kids with me and because it was short notice, I couldn't find a sitter) and went to talk to her. She went through alot of the questions, and we switched birth control methods. We think that perhaps the hormones in my birth control exacerbated the situation. She sent me for tests, which I got on Thursday.
By Thursday night, I was in a full on panic. One of the tests was an ECG and while I understood mentally that she was ruling things out in order to make a firmer diagnosis, but it was hard to tell what she thought. Friday, I was pretty much in the same place. I went to a friend's house, talked to her and every five seconds, started to cry. She and I then were discussing how a pet could be so comforting. I talked to Jeff and we decided to get a cat. So after my friend had to go for her bus route, Logan, Olivia and I went to get a cat. Our new Humane Society in the north end is gorgeous, and if you live in Edmonton and want a pet, it's the place to go!
I spoke to my mother in law that night for two hours...and made alot of progress. I felt alot better. But still suffered throughout the weekend. The anxiety would crop up, bugging me, making my heart pound, my chest muscles ache...its not fun.
Now...for the good news. I went to the doctor yesterday after five days of panicking. I was given a clean bill of health. My heart is fine, my glucose is fine, my potassium and sodium are normal. Nothing came up on the random blood check, so all is good. Now...what do I need to do to change?
For starters, I have ativan to help calm me if I need to calm down. I had to use one last night because my muscles overtop of my heart were achy, which made me go a bit anxious. I tried to breathe, I tried to focus on something else, but the anxiety would not go away. The ativan helped immensely. It also helped me to know that if there were an issue with my heart, it would probably still ache even with the ativan. SO! I can tell myself that and make things work out better!
Next, counselling. There are things that need to be said outloud to someone who can push me and help me to figure out why they suddenly bug me. I think I'm ready to deal with some things that need to be dealt with. And frankly, I'm excited. It's time for change.
I've also started taking anti anxiety meds. Celexia should help me to get through this for a while. I don't want it to be a permanent solution. I need something to help me make it through for a few months, then I want to be able to deal with it, prescription free.
I'm also journalling. There are things in my life that I don't want to express in blogs. It's not fair to people who I sometimes need to express feelings about during a period of time. Sometimes, it's just too personal to have other people reading it. Though I'm very open and very honest about my life, there are some things best kept to me.
I've started taking a vitamin B suppliment. That's helping already. I'm sure it is.
Let's put it this way. I'm taking control. I'm taking steps to make sure that I can be a more positive influence in my own life, not to mention my kids and husband's lives. They are the most important people and the most influenced and affected by my moods and feelings.
If you think that any of this sounds familiar, perhaps talking to your doctor is a good thing. Life gets out of control sometimes, and as mommies, wives and women in general, we have this weight on our shoulders, telling us that we have to be in control all the time. That asking for help is a sign of weakness. That needing help is even worse. My mother in law told me something the other day that REALLY made me want to go for counselling. "It takes a strong person to go to counselling."
I have to agree with her.
It's easy to stay in the life you've created for yourself. It's easy to say "I can't today because ........ (there's always an excuse)" It's easy to think "I can survive this. I can do it on my own." "I can't afford it." But it's really hard to admit that you CANNOT do it on your own. That you NEED help. And regardless of your financial situation, help is out there in some capacity. That it's NOT a weakness to ask. It's okay to ask. The choices you make today ultimately shape who you will be tomorrow. Those same choices reflect in your family and how you handle the situations that present themselves.
While self discovery has been an exhausting and crazy ride, it's a real benefit when you try it. I've been really happy with the things I've discovered about myself. I've been able to make choices in an honest way that have helped me to want to make changes that were a long time in coming. Now it's time to make a serious stab at making those changes. I'm slowly making my way out of a two week fog that clouded my life in the real world, but really made me stop and think in the mental world. I'm going to come out of this a stronger, wiser, more honest woman. I will be a more effective mom, wife, friend, daughter and sister.
This, while it seems it was a very difficult and long journey, has been a good journey. I'm looking forward to the outcome!
Good luck to all the other mommies and women out there who are in a fog, just funtioning. I hope you find your journey of self discovery and make the changes that will best benefit your life.
I haven't been dwelling perse on these questions. I've been wondering and worrying. Which is never a benefit to one's person. Sometimes, it's just best to let the worry wash over you, think on it for a few minutes, maybe even write it down, then move forward. I have trouble doing that. If something worries me, or bothers me, I dwell on it, worrying to the point where I wind up anxious about these things.
Two weeks ago, alot of the things that have been bothering me, the fact that I'm alone so much with so much time to think, finally got to me. I started having chest pains (which I'd had in the past, but not to this degree). Logan was awake, it was 1:30 in the morning, I had a birthday party to not only plan, but buy the food and supplies for, we were planning on moving beds around, giving Logan a new on, and Olivia was going into a bed for the first time. Not to mention, Jeff had been away for three weeks, and I was ready for a break. It all came down on me right away.
I called Health Link. I call them all the time when I have a health question, and chest pain definitely fit into that description. The nurse was sympathetic, but firm. She talked to me, went through the symptoms and when she learned of my situation with my husband, she understood almost immediately. She validated some feelings I'd been having, and I cried. Suddenly, the chest pain went away. Whoa...that was unexpected.
She says to me "I think you're suffering from anxiety." Huh. Anxiety eh? Well, alright. It fits. I went online, checked out a few sites regarding it, and found that alot of my symptoms, muscle pain, chest aches as well as a few others. So okay, I'm not dying. That was a relief. But then the questions started..."What's WRONG with me?" Because let's face it, chest pain? There's something wrong!
Jeff was home, we went to Calgary to get Logan's new bed, our birthday party was so much fun, we got rid of some garbage that we had had trouble getting rid of, it was just all good. It was perfect. How can I complain? In the meantime, the chest pain would come and go, I would get tired, it was a rough week. I tried to make an appointment with my doctor so I could figure this out, but she was out of town.
The following Monday, Jeff went back north, and I had cold starting. Not alot of fun. Olivia and I figured we could share it. Why not? I got to the doctor on Wednesday (no mean feat when I have to haul the kids with me and because it was short notice, I couldn't find a sitter) and went to talk to her. She went through alot of the questions, and we switched birth control methods. We think that perhaps the hormones in my birth control exacerbated the situation. She sent me for tests, which I got on Thursday.
By Thursday night, I was in a full on panic. One of the tests was an ECG and while I understood mentally that she was ruling things out in order to make a firmer diagnosis, but it was hard to tell what she thought. Friday, I was pretty much in the same place. I went to a friend's house, talked to her and every five seconds, started to cry. She and I then were discussing how a pet could be so comforting. I talked to Jeff and we decided to get a cat. So after my friend had to go for her bus route, Logan, Olivia and I went to get a cat. Our new Humane Society in the north end is gorgeous, and if you live in Edmonton and want a pet, it's the place to go!
I spoke to my mother in law that night for two hours...and made alot of progress. I felt alot better. But still suffered throughout the weekend. The anxiety would crop up, bugging me, making my heart pound, my chest muscles ache...its not fun.
Now...for the good news. I went to the doctor yesterday after five days of panicking. I was given a clean bill of health. My heart is fine, my glucose is fine, my potassium and sodium are normal. Nothing came up on the random blood check, so all is good. Now...what do I need to do to change?
For starters, I have ativan to help calm me if I need to calm down. I had to use one last night because my muscles overtop of my heart were achy, which made me go a bit anxious. I tried to breathe, I tried to focus on something else, but the anxiety would not go away. The ativan helped immensely. It also helped me to know that if there were an issue with my heart, it would probably still ache even with the ativan. SO! I can tell myself that and make things work out better!
Next, counselling. There are things that need to be said outloud to someone who can push me and help me to figure out why they suddenly bug me. I think I'm ready to deal with some things that need to be dealt with. And frankly, I'm excited. It's time for change.
I've also started taking anti anxiety meds. Celexia should help me to get through this for a while. I don't want it to be a permanent solution. I need something to help me make it through for a few months, then I want to be able to deal with it, prescription free.
I'm also journalling. There are things in my life that I don't want to express in blogs. It's not fair to people who I sometimes need to express feelings about during a period of time. Sometimes, it's just too personal to have other people reading it. Though I'm very open and very honest about my life, there are some things best kept to me.
I've started taking a vitamin B suppliment. That's helping already. I'm sure it is.
Let's put it this way. I'm taking control. I'm taking steps to make sure that I can be a more positive influence in my own life, not to mention my kids and husband's lives. They are the most important people and the most influenced and affected by my moods and feelings.
If you think that any of this sounds familiar, perhaps talking to your doctor is a good thing. Life gets out of control sometimes, and as mommies, wives and women in general, we have this weight on our shoulders, telling us that we have to be in control all the time. That asking for help is a sign of weakness. That needing help is even worse. My mother in law told me something the other day that REALLY made me want to go for counselling. "It takes a strong person to go to counselling."
I have to agree with her.
It's easy to stay in the life you've created for yourself. It's easy to say "I can't today because ........ (there's always an excuse)" It's easy to think "I can survive this. I can do it on my own." "I can't afford it." But it's really hard to admit that you CANNOT do it on your own. That you NEED help. And regardless of your financial situation, help is out there in some capacity. That it's NOT a weakness to ask. It's okay to ask. The choices you make today ultimately shape who you will be tomorrow. Those same choices reflect in your family and how you handle the situations that present themselves.
While self discovery has been an exhausting and crazy ride, it's a real benefit when you try it. I've been really happy with the things I've discovered about myself. I've been able to make choices in an honest way that have helped me to want to make changes that were a long time in coming. Now it's time to make a serious stab at making those changes. I'm slowly making my way out of a two week fog that clouded my life in the real world, but really made me stop and think in the mental world. I'm going to come out of this a stronger, wiser, more honest woman. I will be a more effective mom, wife, friend, daughter and sister.
This, while it seems it was a very difficult and long journey, has been a good journey. I'm looking forward to the outcome!
Good luck to all the other mommies and women out there who are in a fog, just funtioning. I hope you find your journey of self discovery and make the changes that will best benefit your life.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Americas Funniest Videos = Olivia's Worst Nightmare?
So, tonight Logan asked me if America's Funniest Videos (AFV) were on. I told him at four that they were on in a hour. Logan loves that show. He laughs and laughs and sometimes he over does it, but its to funny to watch him. He really loves the animal and kids videos. He dies over those!
Five o'clock rolls around, and I turn it on. Little did I know I would traumatize my 22 month old!
She was alright for most of it, with a few exceptions, but when they got to the montage with people falling off the roofs, she was in my lap crying "NO MOMMY!!" I couldn't help it. I laughed.
Then there was the little kid who ate the cricket!! EWWW!! Olivia cried so much.
They showed a clip of a little boy who took off his mask at Hallowe'en and had a bogie coming out of his nose. An albeit nasty large one, nothing I haven't encountered with my own children, but for some reason my "EWWWWie" was met with a great long wail of protest.
I hope this isn't a sign of things to come. I've always known she was a sensitive little soul. She has cried when other babies cry since she was very small, like around three months old. We once heard a baby in Walmart and he was at the other end of the store, heading our way. She was about six months old in a shopping cart, looking around me for the baby, whimpering. I had to let her know that he was alright and his mommy would help him out as soon as she could. That helped. When the family finally passed us, she was in quite a conundrum. Get upset, or wait to see if his mommy attended to him? They left the store.
She's taken to hearing a child cry and say "Mommy help baby." (Meaning, their mommy will help them.) It seems to make her feel better.
But this is a new manifestation. And I have to say, a funny one at that. I know. I'm belittling her feelings, but she's 22 months old, I never said "Oh sweetie, don't cry!" I just asked her why she was crying.
My sweet girl. She's going to get trampled as she gets older. I guess she's more like her mommy than anyone thought. I'm fairly sensitive too. I might laugh it off at the time, but I can tell you, when something bugs me, it keeps me awake! I fret, I fuss, I worry, I think "Oh, if I had only just not said that!!" I've gotten better though. I don't worry about other people as much. My children, my husband, my home. Those are my primary concerns!
So I guess, she's gonna get banged up a bit. She's gonna be hurt. But I'll be there to help her move forward and get past those things. Because I've been there. That's my life!
Five o'clock rolls around, and I turn it on. Little did I know I would traumatize my 22 month old!
She was alright for most of it, with a few exceptions, but when they got to the montage with people falling off the roofs, she was in my lap crying "NO MOMMY!!" I couldn't help it. I laughed.
Then there was the little kid who ate the cricket!! EWWW!! Olivia cried so much.
They showed a clip of a little boy who took off his mask at Hallowe'en and had a bogie coming out of his nose. An albeit nasty large one, nothing I haven't encountered with my own children, but for some reason my "EWWWWie" was met with a great long wail of protest.
I hope this isn't a sign of things to come. I've always known she was a sensitive little soul. She has cried when other babies cry since she was very small, like around three months old. We once heard a baby in Walmart and he was at the other end of the store, heading our way. She was about six months old in a shopping cart, looking around me for the baby, whimpering. I had to let her know that he was alright and his mommy would help him out as soon as she could. That helped. When the family finally passed us, she was in quite a conundrum. Get upset, or wait to see if his mommy attended to him? They left the store.
She's taken to hearing a child cry and say "Mommy help baby." (Meaning, their mommy will help them.) It seems to make her feel better.
But this is a new manifestation. And I have to say, a funny one at that. I know. I'm belittling her feelings, but she's 22 months old, I never said "Oh sweetie, don't cry!" I just asked her why she was crying.
My sweet girl. She's going to get trampled as she gets older. I guess she's more like her mommy than anyone thought. I'm fairly sensitive too. I might laugh it off at the time, but I can tell you, when something bugs me, it keeps me awake! I fret, I fuss, I worry, I think "Oh, if I had only just not said that!!" I've gotten better though. I don't worry about other people as much. My children, my husband, my home. Those are my primary concerns!
So I guess, she's gonna get banged up a bit. She's gonna be hurt. But I'll be there to help her move forward and get past those things. Because I've been there. That's my life!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
They Grow UP Too Fast
Logan and I are sitting in the living room watching "The Hills".
Alright, I'll let you swallow your choking laugh. I watch "The Hills". Don't judge too harshly. Sometimes, something incredibly shallow can be an indulgent guilty pleasure that I like to imbibe in. (Big words, while watching a shallow show. It's a juggling act.)
Logan looks at me "I have hair under my arms" Then he lifts his arm to pull his sleeve up to show me.
"Sorry bud. You won't have hair under your arms for a LONG time."
"Oh." Earlier, he was telling me his tooth was getting loose!! I'm not ready for this stuff yet. He JUST turned five!!
God. Don't grow up too fast!!
Alright, I'll let you swallow your choking laugh. I watch "The Hills". Don't judge too harshly. Sometimes, something incredibly shallow can be an indulgent guilty pleasure that I like to imbibe in. (Big words, while watching a shallow show. It's a juggling act.)
Logan looks at me "I have hair under my arms" Then he lifts his arm to pull his sleeve up to show me.
"Sorry bud. You won't have hair under your arms for a LONG time."
"Oh." Earlier, he was telling me his tooth was getting loose!! I'm not ready for this stuff yet. He JUST turned five!!
God. Don't grow up too fast!!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
He's Now Five
My "little" man is five. Five.
Wow.
Where does it go? Seriously. I guess it won't be much til I'm sitting here writing "So...My "little man" is twenty. Twenty!"
It's going to go by faster than I can imagine.
Five years ago, I never thought that I'd be a stay at home mom. I'd dreamt of it. Thought that it would be easier for me, less expensive and better for myself and kids to be home with them. Then I'm with them. I don't miss anything, I don't miss them. But I really figured it would be a pipe dream.
Well. Here we are. Five years. Five years I've been home with this little bundle of joy that instills in me so much love, worry, frustration, wonder, anger and joy. All in one day. Sometimes in one hour. Man...kids are crazy! Time is crazy! I think there are times I'm going crazy.
My Logan had a good day. We started at McDonalds for breakfast. Unhealthy, considering my overweight blog last night, but still. It's his day. His choice.
Then we went to playgroup. Had fun, played, sang, caught up with people we hadn't seen in a while. It was good. The kids love the playgroups. But mornings, they don't love me. So we do mostly afternoon playgroups. This one in particular on Thursday mornings I do make a bigger effort to make outside of most mornings.
We had a couple hours to kill between playgroups. Thursdays can be incredibly busy, but we manage. I figured, let's go to Toys R Us. In theory, a great idea, because I can get Logan something ON his birthday that I KNOW he will love. So of course...Logan picked out a Transformer. Shocking eh? But what I'd forgotten is, Olivia's old enough to know when she's left out, but not old enough to understand why. So Olivia got a new baby. So, all was good, all were happy. All couldn't wait to take them out of the box WHILE we were still in Toys R Us. So, I started taking them out of the box, but they took so long to remove, well packed. Here I am, standing at the end of a till, taking the toys out of the boxes, fighting with the packing that they do. It's crazy. Of course, I could feel the stares of the other people in the line up watching me fight with these boxes, probably wondering what type of control my kids have over me that they can't wait until at least the car! Well...it was Logan's birthday. Forget it. I was going to get them out. So I took the rest of the packing, walked out, threw it in the garbage can and finished taking Lo's toys out of his packing. Screw em...they're my kids. I could have made them wait. I chose not to.
(For his birthday, his gift from Mommy and Daddy will be a loft bed. We want him to have more space in his room. We're just torn between which bed we want to get him. Perhaps I will post the choices. People can let me know what they think.)
Then we went to our second playgroup that's by far and wide the kids favorite. They have a gym there and the older kids go into the gym with the facilitators and the babies stay with us mommies where we chat and in some cases, rest our eyes. It's nice. I love it.
We stopped at Safeway, got ourselves each a HUGE decadent cupcake and some hamburgers that I offered to cook outside. Yeah. I offered to bbq these burgers outside in the north wind at -1...with a windchill...but for my son, anything.
We ate our decadent cupcakes with relish and I took a few pictures of them. It was wonderful. Then after that, bathtime, bedtime. And here I sit, making sure that I write down what my son's fifth birthday was.
I think that there are some years of life that are so important in our development. Five is a big one. Five means school, means a little bit more maturity, means chores. Means a bit of responsibility and the time to learn to do things like tie our shoes and ride a bike. Five seems to be a major time for a kid. It feels like a big one to me. Soon, ten, then fifteen, sixteen, eighteen, twenty. It's not all that far off.
But I'd like to hold on to my little baby for just a teensy bit longer. Just hold on and not let go until I have to. As much as I can't wait to see what happens in the next fifteen, twenty five, forty years, I really want my son to stay little just a while longer. There's going to be a day he won't want to cuddle or hold my hand. His independence can be such a great relief sometimes, but at the same time, such a sadness grips me because I know he doesn't need me like he used to. And it's only natural...it's normal. I know.
This is as it should be. And as it will be. I will never stop him from being who he needs to be. I'll never discourage his independence...but I still want him to know that whenever he needs me, needs to lean on me, needs me to be his rock, his shoulder to cry on...whatever he needs, I will always ALWAYS be his mommy.
Transformers or not! :)
Wow.
Where does it go? Seriously. I guess it won't be much til I'm sitting here writing "So...My "little man" is twenty. Twenty!"
It's going to go by faster than I can imagine.
Five years ago, I never thought that I'd be a stay at home mom. I'd dreamt of it. Thought that it would be easier for me, less expensive and better for myself and kids to be home with them. Then I'm with them. I don't miss anything, I don't miss them. But I really figured it would be a pipe dream.
Well. Here we are. Five years. Five years I've been home with this little bundle of joy that instills in me so much love, worry, frustration, wonder, anger and joy. All in one day. Sometimes in one hour. Man...kids are crazy! Time is crazy! I think there are times I'm going crazy.
My Logan had a good day. We started at McDonalds for breakfast. Unhealthy, considering my overweight blog last night, but still. It's his day. His choice.
Then we went to playgroup. Had fun, played, sang, caught up with people we hadn't seen in a while. It was good. The kids love the playgroups. But mornings, they don't love me. So we do mostly afternoon playgroups. This one in particular on Thursday mornings I do make a bigger effort to make outside of most mornings.
We had a couple hours to kill between playgroups. Thursdays can be incredibly busy, but we manage. I figured, let's go to Toys R Us. In theory, a great idea, because I can get Logan something ON his birthday that I KNOW he will love. So of course...Logan picked out a Transformer. Shocking eh? But what I'd forgotten is, Olivia's old enough to know when she's left out, but not old enough to understand why. So Olivia got a new baby. So, all was good, all were happy. All couldn't wait to take them out of the box WHILE we were still in Toys R Us. So, I started taking them out of the box, but they took so long to remove, well packed. Here I am, standing at the end of a till, taking the toys out of the boxes, fighting with the packing that they do. It's crazy. Of course, I could feel the stares of the other people in the line up watching me fight with these boxes, probably wondering what type of control my kids have over me that they can't wait until at least the car! Well...it was Logan's birthday. Forget it. I was going to get them out. So I took the rest of the packing, walked out, threw it in the garbage can and finished taking Lo's toys out of his packing. Screw em...they're my kids. I could have made them wait. I chose not to.
(For his birthday, his gift from Mommy and Daddy will be a loft bed. We want him to have more space in his room. We're just torn between which bed we want to get him. Perhaps I will post the choices. People can let me know what they think.)
Then we went to our second playgroup that's by far and wide the kids favorite. They have a gym there and the older kids go into the gym with the facilitators and the babies stay with us mommies where we chat and in some cases, rest our eyes. It's nice. I love it.
We stopped at Safeway, got ourselves each a HUGE decadent cupcake and some hamburgers that I offered to cook outside. Yeah. I offered to bbq these burgers outside in the north wind at -1...with a windchill...but for my son, anything.
We ate our decadent cupcakes with relish and I took a few pictures of them. It was wonderful. Then after that, bathtime, bedtime. And here I sit, making sure that I write down what my son's fifth birthday was.
I think that there are some years of life that are so important in our development. Five is a big one. Five means school, means a little bit more maturity, means chores. Means a bit of responsibility and the time to learn to do things like tie our shoes and ride a bike. Five seems to be a major time for a kid. It feels like a big one to me. Soon, ten, then fifteen, sixteen, eighteen, twenty. It's not all that far off.
But I'd like to hold on to my little baby for just a teensy bit longer. Just hold on and not let go until I have to. As much as I can't wait to see what happens in the next fifteen, twenty five, forty years, I really want my son to stay little just a while longer. There's going to be a day he won't want to cuddle or hold my hand. His independence can be such a great relief sometimes, but at the same time, such a sadness grips me because I know he doesn't need me like he used to. And it's only natural...it's normal. I know.
This is as it should be. And as it will be. I will never stop him from being who he needs to be. I'll never discourage his independence...but I still want him to know that whenever he needs me, needs to lean on me, needs me to be his rock, his shoulder to cry on...whatever he needs, I will always ALWAYS be his mommy.
Transformers or not! :)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Five Years Old
So. Tomorrow is my birthday. Sort of.
Tomorrow, it will be five years since I became a mommy. Five years since that 9 lb 15.2 oz 23 inch long baby boy named Logan came into my life and changed it forevermore. Nothing about me has ever been the same. It changed me so profoundly that I don't even feel like the same person I was five years ago. I'd bet that there are people out there who probably wouldn't know me from where I was that time ago. I've become more openminded, less naive, more patient, less willing to be used. I'm just a much happier person than I was. Motherhood is an amazing change. I often wonder if it's changed other women as profoundly as it did me. I KNOW it changes a woman...but I guess the degree is different for every woman.
And Logan. He's five. A five year old is an interesting creature. They still change almost daily in opinion, thought, language, likes, dislikes, loves, hates...nothing is the same! And as I say every single year...
I'm not ready to be the mom of a five year old!! Kindergarten! OMG! Amazing.
Tomorrow is going to be a good day. Tomorrow will be his day. To some degree, tomorrow will be my day too. I'm so happy for everything that has come my way in the past five years. I think that given where I am now, if you'd asked me "Where do you want to be in five years?" Or "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Right where I am now!
And that's good enough for now. Hope the next five years will be even better!
Tomorrow, it will be five years since I became a mommy. Five years since that 9 lb 15.2 oz 23 inch long baby boy named Logan came into my life and changed it forevermore. Nothing about me has ever been the same. It changed me so profoundly that I don't even feel like the same person I was five years ago. I'd bet that there are people out there who probably wouldn't know me from where I was that time ago. I've become more openminded, less naive, more patient, less willing to be used. I'm just a much happier person than I was. Motherhood is an amazing change. I often wonder if it's changed other women as profoundly as it did me. I KNOW it changes a woman...but I guess the degree is different for every woman.
And Logan. He's five. A five year old is an interesting creature. They still change almost daily in opinion, thought, language, likes, dislikes, loves, hates...nothing is the same! And as I say every single year...
I'm not ready to be the mom of a five year old!! Kindergarten! OMG! Amazing.
Tomorrow is going to be a good day. Tomorrow will be his day. To some degree, tomorrow will be my day too. I'm so happy for everything that has come my way in the past five years. I think that given where I am now, if you'd asked me "Where do you want to be in five years?" Or "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Right where I am now!
And that's good enough for now. Hope the next five years will be even better!
I'm Not The Only One
I know I'm not the only one. I know that I don't ever have to feel like I'm alone, because I'm not. Millions struggle with my problem. And yet, that's little comfort.
Hi. My name is Shevaun, and I'm overweight.
Bet you're not shocked. How many other men and women blog about weight? How many men and women complain about how hard it is to diet? Exercise? Will power?
I'm not going to complain or rationalize. I won't feel guilty, I won't bitch or complain. Why?
Because it's my fault!
**GASP!** A fat chick admitted it's HER fault? Oh MY God. Wow.
I see myself. I know what I ate the night before, the day before, the week before. I'm aware of what I put in my mouth. Because guess what? I'M THE ONE DOING IT!!! Wow hey? No one's forcing me to eat a bag of chips, two or four slices of pizza, whatever.
What do I do about it? Not much. Do I know how to change it? Yep. Of course I do. I was diabetic when I was pregnant with Olivia. I know the change in diet works fabulously. I came out of my pregnancy the same weight as going in! Okay...so all you mommies, hate me now. It's okay. I'm used to it.
However....
I'm heavier now. I like people trying to encourage me. "Oh...you've lost weight since I saw you last!" "Uh. I just saw you like two weeks ago. I'm not so sure." But thank you. Really. I do appreciate it.
Why am I heavier? I eat alot at night. I have little to do. Housework, kids...but no one to entertain me. Do I need someone to entertain me? Yes. Yes I do. I'm a highly social person. So I substitute it. I don't exercise enough. I'm aware. I do try to get out alot though. Parks, playgroups, malls. But little kids are not a good way to get lots of exercise. They don't move quite fast enough. I have a double stroller though.
Now that I have answered that question, will I change it? Um. I'll try. That's what I'm going to say. Noncommital? HELL YES! I'm not going to "commit" because that means that if I fail at some point, and I WILL fail at some point, I don't want someone going into this blog and literally quoting me.
"YOU SAID YOU WOULD!!" Bah...I said I'd try. And it's in black and white for all to see.
I plan to be out more because it's summer and there's lots to do. Last year, Olivia wasn't walking and so going to parks and stuff just wasn't that much fun. Sure. It was great for Logan, who could go and run and play, but poor little Olivia would just sit in her stroller and fuss. She wanted to go play. But she couldn't.
So here I sit. As usual. Thinking about it. Thinking about how good it would be for me to get there. To work at it. And then I see how much work it would be and it's so discouraging. Then I stop and realize, it's small steps. Just changing diet. I can do that. I'm not big on eating out anymore anyway. I hate the way I feel. I hate feeling guilty that I'm spending money on it. I hate feeling guilty period about it. Then...I can go for a walk. I walked around most of Hawerlak last night. That's a big park. I know that the circuit of Knottwood Road is just around 3kms. That's a decent walk. But I need the weather to improve...or at least even out! Gee! It's not fun!
I joined a gym. Do I go. Nah. They have childcare...good luck on getting in when you need to though. And when I went in, I got half of the circuit shown to me and then left alone. No one checked on me to make sure I wasn't having a coronary, or needed help or had questions. That was highly discouraging. No fun. Hated it. Don't want to go. And not because I didn't feel better afterwards, but because I don't want to be ignored. Don't want to go alone and didn't like the negative vibe. That was no fun. I want it to be fun.
Anyway. Like I said. No bitching. Just honesty. My doctor thinks I'm funny. I'm honest. It's weird for people. I'm sure they're so used to excuses. I try. I actually do. But I don't try too hard. I'm jolly...:) But this jolly girl's gotta get herself down to a spot that's healthy and good for the kids. It just sucks that there's so much stacked against me. Including the fact I just started birth control, which has thrown all sorts of things out of whack.
But know now...I KNOW! Believe me. I KNOW! It's all over tv, it's all over internet, it's all over radio and it's constantly in my face. I GET IT! And I will eventually get around to it.
Sooner than later I think...
Hi. My name is Shevaun, and I'm overweight.
Bet you're not shocked. How many other men and women blog about weight? How many men and women complain about how hard it is to diet? Exercise? Will power?
I'm not going to complain or rationalize. I won't feel guilty, I won't bitch or complain. Why?
Because it's my fault!
**GASP!** A fat chick admitted it's HER fault? Oh MY God. Wow.
I see myself. I know what I ate the night before, the day before, the week before. I'm aware of what I put in my mouth. Because guess what? I'M THE ONE DOING IT!!! Wow hey? No one's forcing me to eat a bag of chips, two or four slices of pizza, whatever.
What do I do about it? Not much. Do I know how to change it? Yep. Of course I do. I was diabetic when I was pregnant with Olivia. I know the change in diet works fabulously. I came out of my pregnancy the same weight as going in! Okay...so all you mommies, hate me now. It's okay. I'm used to it.
However....
I'm heavier now. I like people trying to encourage me. "Oh...you've lost weight since I saw you last!" "Uh. I just saw you like two weeks ago. I'm not so sure." But thank you. Really. I do appreciate it.
Why am I heavier? I eat alot at night. I have little to do. Housework, kids...but no one to entertain me. Do I need someone to entertain me? Yes. Yes I do. I'm a highly social person. So I substitute it. I don't exercise enough. I'm aware. I do try to get out alot though. Parks, playgroups, malls. But little kids are not a good way to get lots of exercise. They don't move quite fast enough. I have a double stroller though.
Now that I have answered that question, will I change it? Um. I'll try. That's what I'm going to say. Noncommital? HELL YES! I'm not going to "commit" because that means that if I fail at some point, and I WILL fail at some point, I don't want someone going into this blog and literally quoting me.
"YOU SAID YOU WOULD!!" Bah...I said I'd try. And it's in black and white for all to see.
I plan to be out more because it's summer and there's lots to do. Last year, Olivia wasn't walking and so going to parks and stuff just wasn't that much fun. Sure. It was great for Logan, who could go and run and play, but poor little Olivia would just sit in her stroller and fuss. She wanted to go play. But she couldn't.
So here I sit. As usual. Thinking about it. Thinking about how good it would be for me to get there. To work at it. And then I see how much work it would be and it's so discouraging. Then I stop and realize, it's small steps. Just changing diet. I can do that. I'm not big on eating out anymore anyway. I hate the way I feel. I hate feeling guilty that I'm spending money on it. I hate feeling guilty period about it. Then...I can go for a walk. I walked around most of Hawerlak last night. That's a big park. I know that the circuit of Knottwood Road is just around 3kms. That's a decent walk. But I need the weather to improve...or at least even out! Gee! It's not fun!
I joined a gym. Do I go. Nah. They have childcare...good luck on getting in when you need to though. And when I went in, I got half of the circuit shown to me and then left alone. No one checked on me to make sure I wasn't having a coronary, or needed help or had questions. That was highly discouraging. No fun. Hated it. Don't want to go. And not because I didn't feel better afterwards, but because I don't want to be ignored. Don't want to go alone and didn't like the negative vibe. That was no fun. I want it to be fun.
Anyway. Like I said. No bitching. Just honesty. My doctor thinks I'm funny. I'm honest. It's weird for people. I'm sure they're so used to excuses. I try. I actually do. But I don't try too hard. I'm jolly...:) But this jolly girl's gotta get herself down to a spot that's healthy and good for the kids. It just sucks that there's so much stacked against me. Including the fact I just started birth control, which has thrown all sorts of things out of whack.
But know now...I KNOW! Believe me. I KNOW! It's all over tv, it's all over internet, it's all over radio and it's constantly in my face. I GET IT! And I will eventually get around to it.
Sooner than later I think...
Monday, April 20, 2009
Life...
I live life. I live MY life. I was asked recently how happy I really am with Jeff being away and me being mommy all the time on my own when he's gone.
Okay. Here is it. And this is it. I'm not lying, rationalizing, anything. This is how my life is.
My life is good. No. Wait. My life is awesome. It's incredible. It's what I always wanted. Seriously. I always wanted to be a mom. I really never had aspirations of greatness. I have aspirations of RAISING greatness. My goal is to have beautiful, objective, openminded, questioning, free thinking individuals grow up in my home. To make sure my children grow up knowing that the thing their mother wanted more than anything, was for them to be happy, healthy, have their own lives and children.
I just wanted to live.
I've been told that what I'm doing is akin to being a single mom. Here's another thing I'd love to set straight. I am NOT a single mom. A single mom has it alot harder than I do. I have a partner who HAS to listen to me. Begrudgingly sometimes I'm sure. But he has to listen. My problems are his problems. My issues are his issues. My children are his children. And if you're reading this thinking "He doesn't HAVE to listen." Yes. He does. I will make sure he does. I am NOT doing this on my own. I just do it alone daily for a period of time. I still talk to him daily and let him know of our day. He can't discipline from a distance, but he can listen and support me and my decisions raising our children. We do it together. We just do it a bit differently from other families.
Unlike single moms I don't have to worry about going to work, make money and pay for daycare. I am daycare.
And yes. Being away from Jeff sucks. It does. I miss him. I miss his company, his sense of humor, his companionship. I am, however, always secure in the knowledge that he is coming home to me in a certain period of time. In the past year, that time period has varied, but we adjust and move forward. We have to. It's part of our lives. He works hard for us. He works to make sure that we're secure and happy. He works because it's what he does. What he will always do. It's part of him.
I enjoy the fact that we're not struggling. I love that I don't have to worry about where my next load of groceries are coming from. I love that I don't have to worry about where I'm going to get the next set of clothes for the kids as they grow rapidly out of everything. I love that I don't have to count every single penny, making sure that there's at least five dollars in the bank to get milk. Money does in some ways, buy happiness. It buys comfort, contentment and the ability to enjoy your life with less stress. I wonder if the people who say it doesn't hasn't experienced having a lack of funds.
When Jeff is home, he throws himself into the role of father and husband. He is there to help me along. I get reprieve. I don't get "I've been working for ten days. You get up with Olivia." I get a man who gets up with the kids in the mornings and allows me to sleep in quietly and enjoy a little peace. I get a man who lets me shower or sends me out with my friends because I need a little "me" time as well. At least when he's at work, his days end. When he's gone, I'm on call 24/7. I don't get alot of "me" time. I do what I can, and I make it work. I'm thankful for a husband who can and does understand. And I'm also aware I'm blessed and lucky. His working this way makes it easier for him to have those periods of time off. A week off is alot in the scope of a five year old's life. It means alot that he has whole days for seven days straight to spend with his son.
I was a bit depressed this winter. I've said that. Why was I depressed? I wasn't depressed because Jeff was away. I was depressed because I was stuck in a house during a nasty cold winter, with a one and four year old. Now...I missed him. To be sure. But alot of the time I miss the companionship. I miss the adult conversation. Sometimes a phone call from a friend can alleivate alot of those feelings.
And also know, Jeff and I have spent time apart in the past. I've found that it really does help a relationship, just to be apart for a period of time. In this past year, this has been an extended period of time, but like I said before, when he's home, it's actually a relief for me. Not added work. And it is far worse for other people. I don't have an army husband, being sent overseas for months at a time. Jeff's only gone for two weeks. Sometimes a bit longer and its hard, but it could be worse! Much worse! We'd cope, but it'd be hard! My hat's off to those moms. I don't think that our being together ALL the time would be best for our relationship. I think people do get tired of one another sometimes. And it does make the time we're together much more special. I know lots and lots of couples who have been married for decades, and they spent time apart because the husbands worked away from home. Maybe they're an example. At least they are for me. I know it works for us. I never entered this marriage deluding myself into thinking he was going to be home all the time. Given how he was raised and such, this was going to be part and parcel. And that was fine by me.
This isn't going to be forever. We will be together more as time goes on. I will hope that he will be able to find a job much closer to home as Logan grows. He needs his daddy. I can only do so much. And Olivia loves her daddy so much already. "Olivia, who calls you piglet?" "My dada. I call my dada pigit!" She will need him as she gets older as well. He will be a marvellous example to both of our children.
Honestly, I couldn't have asked for better. Better kids, better husband, a better life. For anyone who thinks otherwise, I'm extraordinarily happy. I'm content, I'm happy, I'm loved, I'm everything that anyone would want. I don't have a HUGE house, I don't have BIG tv's or anything else major. But I have Jeff. And I have Logan and Olivia. I have a nice little condo in Millwoods, stocked with food, cable, internet and whatever else I NEED.
Life is good. Life is grand...life is what Jeff and I have made it to be together.
What more could I ask for?
Okay. Here is it. And this is it. I'm not lying, rationalizing, anything. This is how my life is.
My life is good. No. Wait. My life is awesome. It's incredible. It's what I always wanted. Seriously. I always wanted to be a mom. I really never had aspirations of greatness. I have aspirations of RAISING greatness. My goal is to have beautiful, objective, openminded, questioning, free thinking individuals grow up in my home. To make sure my children grow up knowing that the thing their mother wanted more than anything, was for them to be happy, healthy, have their own lives and children.
I just wanted to live.
I've been told that what I'm doing is akin to being a single mom. Here's another thing I'd love to set straight. I am NOT a single mom. A single mom has it alot harder than I do. I have a partner who HAS to listen to me. Begrudgingly sometimes I'm sure. But he has to listen. My problems are his problems. My issues are his issues. My children are his children. And if you're reading this thinking "He doesn't HAVE to listen." Yes. He does. I will make sure he does. I am NOT doing this on my own. I just do it alone daily for a period of time. I still talk to him daily and let him know of our day. He can't discipline from a distance, but he can listen and support me and my decisions raising our children. We do it together. We just do it a bit differently from other families.
Unlike single moms I don't have to worry about going to work, make money and pay for daycare. I am daycare.
And yes. Being away from Jeff sucks. It does. I miss him. I miss his company, his sense of humor, his companionship. I am, however, always secure in the knowledge that he is coming home to me in a certain period of time. In the past year, that time period has varied, but we adjust and move forward. We have to. It's part of our lives. He works hard for us. He works to make sure that we're secure and happy. He works because it's what he does. What he will always do. It's part of him.
I enjoy the fact that we're not struggling. I love that I don't have to worry about where my next load of groceries are coming from. I love that I don't have to worry about where I'm going to get the next set of clothes for the kids as they grow rapidly out of everything. I love that I don't have to count every single penny, making sure that there's at least five dollars in the bank to get milk. Money does in some ways, buy happiness. It buys comfort, contentment and the ability to enjoy your life with less stress. I wonder if the people who say it doesn't hasn't experienced having a lack of funds.
When Jeff is home, he throws himself into the role of father and husband. He is there to help me along. I get reprieve. I don't get "I've been working for ten days. You get up with Olivia." I get a man who gets up with the kids in the mornings and allows me to sleep in quietly and enjoy a little peace. I get a man who lets me shower or sends me out with my friends because I need a little "me" time as well. At least when he's at work, his days end. When he's gone, I'm on call 24/7. I don't get alot of "me" time. I do what I can, and I make it work. I'm thankful for a husband who can and does understand. And I'm also aware I'm blessed and lucky. His working this way makes it easier for him to have those periods of time off. A week off is alot in the scope of a five year old's life. It means alot that he has whole days for seven days straight to spend with his son.
I was a bit depressed this winter. I've said that. Why was I depressed? I wasn't depressed because Jeff was away. I was depressed because I was stuck in a house during a nasty cold winter, with a one and four year old. Now...I missed him. To be sure. But alot of the time I miss the companionship. I miss the adult conversation. Sometimes a phone call from a friend can alleivate alot of those feelings.
And also know, Jeff and I have spent time apart in the past. I've found that it really does help a relationship, just to be apart for a period of time. In this past year, this has been an extended period of time, but like I said before, when he's home, it's actually a relief for me. Not added work. And it is far worse for other people. I don't have an army husband, being sent overseas for months at a time. Jeff's only gone for two weeks. Sometimes a bit longer and its hard, but it could be worse! Much worse! We'd cope, but it'd be hard! My hat's off to those moms. I don't think that our being together ALL the time would be best for our relationship. I think people do get tired of one another sometimes. And it does make the time we're together much more special. I know lots and lots of couples who have been married for decades, and they spent time apart because the husbands worked away from home. Maybe they're an example. At least they are for me. I know it works for us. I never entered this marriage deluding myself into thinking he was going to be home all the time. Given how he was raised and such, this was going to be part and parcel. And that was fine by me.
This isn't going to be forever. We will be together more as time goes on. I will hope that he will be able to find a job much closer to home as Logan grows. He needs his daddy. I can only do so much. And Olivia loves her daddy so much already. "Olivia, who calls you piglet?" "My dada. I call my dada pigit!" She will need him as she gets older as well. He will be a marvellous example to both of our children.
Honestly, I couldn't have asked for better. Better kids, better husband, a better life. For anyone who thinks otherwise, I'm extraordinarily happy. I'm content, I'm happy, I'm loved, I'm everything that anyone would want. I don't have a HUGE house, I don't have BIG tv's or anything else major. But I have Jeff. And I have Logan and Olivia. I have a nice little condo in Millwoods, stocked with food, cable, internet and whatever else I NEED.
Life is good. Life is grand...life is what Jeff and I have made it to be together.
What more could I ask for?
Twilight. Really?
I consider myself an avid reader. I'll read just about anything. Seriously, my mind is very open. Recently, thanks to my mother in law, I'm reading novels by Steve Berry. He writes very thoughtful books with a twist and some mystery. Like all writers with more than one book, he has a very definite style. If I had to pick a "popular" author, I could compare him to Dan Brown, the writer of "Da Vinci's Code" and "Angels and Demons" which I should add, I've read. And enjoyed. But not to the degree of Mr. Berry. His books are insightful, well written, and at the end, he explains what was real, what was his own creation. Dan Brown didn't. He let you read it, then you had to wade through all the information and pick out what was real and fiction. Which, let's face it, is fine. You can learn something perhaps. Form your own opinion. But the way the book was interpreted by the world was that of reality. And it made alot of people really upset because of what he was saying. Interesting thing about religion. It's subjective...not objective. Never, ever objective.
Anyway, I have to talk about this "Twilight" fanatiacism. Because that's what it's turned into. It's almost become it's own religion. It's insane. I've read the first book. Um...well. It was readable. A little too readable. I read it very quickly and came out of the book with a sense of "What? That's it?" I know I could go on and read the subsequent books, but after "What? That's it?" I'm not exactly enthused. I've gotten more satisfaction from reading trashy romances. At least they are as I expect them to be. Not overrated, just a book with a start, middle and end.
Now. I get why teenagers liked it. I do. I would have DIED over reading these books when I was 15, 16...maybe even up to 18 years old. Some of the language used is so nice. So pretty. So teenaged. The fantasies that teenaged girls the world around would die to hear from a boyfriend. I know that I'd have loved for a boy to tell me that the first time he saw me he knew he wanted to be with me forever. **SWOON!!**
But, I did, as most of us do, grow up. I moved onto other books. I went deeper into the books that I was told were the greatest books of our times. I waded through "Wuthering Heights" I tried Shakespeare for fun. It was fine. It was interesting. But I craved something that I could read and understand without researching what a word meant from the 1700's. I've read some decent books in the past few years. I've also read some real shit. I read Pamela Anderson's "Star". Cover to cover. I read it because my friend Heather said she'd read it if I read it. I READ it...she DIDN'T. I lost braincells man...precious, precious braincells. But hey...I know what bad writing is. I've experienced my share.
So when I read "Twilight" I really tried to figure out what the hype was about. It's a book. I was impressed and delighted when a very famous author totally echoed my feelings and mentioned that Stephanie Meyer is a secondrate author. I mean, I enjoyed "Twilight", to a degree. But I get who the target audience is for. It's pretty obvious. And you know what...that author who said that she is secondrate got BLASTED. Well...SHE IS!
But here's my point about "Twilight" and religion.
In religion, you have very little chance of telling a person they are wrong without them just freaking on you and trying to convince you that you're wrong. I'm not saying that ANY person's religion is wrong. What I'm saying is, express your opinion regarding religion (or politics for that matter...religion just fits better for this) and you can start a holy war. Which is silly. How in the world do you look at a person and say,
"Well, the God that I can't see, touch, smell, hear or taste doesn't exist." Religion is based truly and wholly on faith. Faith that you will come to the end of your life and meet an omnipotent God who will love you regardless of anything you've done in your life. That very God that protects your through your daily life. As I said, not exactly objective. It can't be objective because it's what YOU believe. It's based on your upbringing, it's based on where you are in your life, what you need, who you know. VERY subjective. It is what it is...a belief.
But, "Twilight" has taken on this fervour. This incredible fanaticism where total adults will swoon at just the very sight of Robert Pattinson. (who by the way, I feel looks like a pretentious "artist" douchebag who just wants to tell you and I that we're not good enough and he's better than all of us. He doesn't look exactly approachable!) Now, everyone is entitled to their opinion. Guess what. Well, they are!! Just because I DON'T like "Twilight", Robert Pattinson OR Stephanie Meyer does NOT make me a bad person. It makes me a person with my own taste.
And GLITTERING vampires? Really? This is what is at the heart of teenaged girls?? The romantic GLITTERING vampire. Huh. If I see a MAN wearing glitter, I have my own opinon. At least Anne Rice sticks to the lore. This book just drives it into the ground. How romantic is it that he can walk into the sunlight and NOT die, but GLITTER?! What the hell?! Glitter? Seriously. Okay...I'm past it.
Anyway...Find a book with some depth. Read a good book. Read a book with easy language that takes a day to read. Read whatever you want, but keep an open mind to other people who don't want to read your books. I make suggestions. You can read it and say, "I hated it!!" Okay. Fine. Then don't read the next book. I don't care. I won't attack you with my "OH MY GOD! HOW could you NOT love that book? It's incredible!!!" Nevermind. Do what you want, I will do what I want. Plain and simple. But don't try to convince me either. I only really ask that courtesy.
And hey...Thanks ahead of time!
Anyway, I have to talk about this "Twilight" fanatiacism. Because that's what it's turned into. It's almost become it's own religion. It's insane. I've read the first book. Um...well. It was readable. A little too readable. I read it very quickly and came out of the book with a sense of "What? That's it?" I know I could go on and read the subsequent books, but after "What? That's it?" I'm not exactly enthused. I've gotten more satisfaction from reading trashy romances. At least they are as I expect them to be. Not overrated, just a book with a start, middle and end.
Now. I get why teenagers liked it. I do. I would have DIED over reading these books when I was 15, 16...maybe even up to 18 years old. Some of the language used is so nice. So pretty. So teenaged. The fantasies that teenaged girls the world around would die to hear from a boyfriend. I know that I'd have loved for a boy to tell me that the first time he saw me he knew he wanted to be with me forever. **SWOON!!**
But, I did, as most of us do, grow up. I moved onto other books. I went deeper into the books that I was told were the greatest books of our times. I waded through "Wuthering Heights" I tried Shakespeare for fun. It was fine. It was interesting. But I craved something that I could read and understand without researching what a word meant from the 1700's. I've read some decent books in the past few years. I've also read some real shit. I read Pamela Anderson's "Star". Cover to cover. I read it because my friend Heather said she'd read it if I read it. I READ it...she DIDN'T. I lost braincells man...precious, precious braincells. But hey...I know what bad writing is. I've experienced my share.
So when I read "Twilight" I really tried to figure out what the hype was about. It's a book. I was impressed and delighted when a very famous author totally echoed my feelings and mentioned that Stephanie Meyer is a secondrate author. I mean, I enjoyed "Twilight", to a degree. But I get who the target audience is for. It's pretty obvious. And you know what...that author who said that she is secondrate got BLASTED. Well...SHE IS!
But here's my point about "Twilight" and religion.
In religion, you have very little chance of telling a person they are wrong without them just freaking on you and trying to convince you that you're wrong. I'm not saying that ANY person's religion is wrong. What I'm saying is, express your opinion regarding religion (or politics for that matter...religion just fits better for this) and you can start a holy war. Which is silly. How in the world do you look at a person and say,
"Well, the God that I can't see, touch, smell, hear or taste doesn't exist." Religion is based truly and wholly on faith. Faith that you will come to the end of your life and meet an omnipotent God who will love you regardless of anything you've done in your life. That very God that protects your through your daily life. As I said, not exactly objective. It can't be objective because it's what YOU believe. It's based on your upbringing, it's based on where you are in your life, what you need, who you know. VERY subjective. It is what it is...a belief.
But, "Twilight" has taken on this fervour. This incredible fanaticism where total adults will swoon at just the very sight of Robert Pattinson. (who by the way, I feel looks like a pretentious "artist" douchebag who just wants to tell you and I that we're not good enough and he's better than all of us. He doesn't look exactly approachable!) Now, everyone is entitled to their opinion. Guess what. Well, they are!! Just because I DON'T like "Twilight", Robert Pattinson OR Stephanie Meyer does NOT make me a bad person. It makes me a person with my own taste.
And GLITTERING vampires? Really? This is what is at the heart of teenaged girls?? The romantic GLITTERING vampire. Huh. If I see a MAN wearing glitter, I have my own opinon. At least Anne Rice sticks to the lore. This book just drives it into the ground. How romantic is it that he can walk into the sunlight and NOT die, but GLITTER?! What the hell?! Glitter? Seriously. Okay...I'm past it.
Anyway...Find a book with some depth. Read a good book. Read a book with easy language that takes a day to read. Read whatever you want, but keep an open mind to other people who don't want to read your books. I make suggestions. You can read it and say, "I hated it!!" Okay. Fine. Then don't read the next book. I don't care. I won't attack you with my "OH MY GOD! HOW could you NOT love that book? It's incredible!!!" Nevermind. Do what you want, I will do what I want. Plain and simple. But don't try to convince me either. I only really ask that courtesy.
And hey...Thanks ahead of time!
Friday, April 17, 2009
It Was So Worth It
So, I got my night out with the girls. Amanda, Sarah, Therese, Candice and Heather. And it was a great night. Unfortunately, Heather started feeling off and had to go early. That sucked and I felt so bad for her.
Seems that it was a good night for all. We ordered and drank our drinks, ordered some food and then they lost our order. Can't complain. They took off all the appetizers off the bill. All we ordered was appetizers. And drinks.
When we got the bill, it was a wonderful amount for the six of us eating and drinking. Basically, it was the budget I'd made for myself. We were all discussing the bill and such, I just took it over and paid for it. It was just easier. But worth it. Actually, I don't think that any amount of money was worth the night that we had. It just was that nice. Drinks, food, and good friends. What else could I ask for?!
So I hope the girls don't mind in the future. They don't have to pay me back. It was my treat. I invited them, we got free food and it was worth it. I desperately needed this night. I didn't realise it until it just about didn't happen.
I also got to see my first june bug...I hope. Because my god...it was enormous and on my neighbours front step. It's gone now...but UGH!! They weren't sure if it was a cockroach or not. If it is, I"M OUTTA HERE MAN! DAMN!! Ask Jeff about my cockroach fear. Totally and absolutely unfounded and irrational, but really really bad. Makes me cry and shiver to think of them. Thankfully, I'm buzzed enough that it's not a big deal right now!
I also got to tell my babysitters mom that it was fine that she couldn't make it. I just wanted her better. She was worried about making the kids sick and she knew how little I get out, so she felt bad. She didn't need to worry. Even if I didn't make it out, I still would call on her again. My little man was disappointed that Taylar wasn't coming to take care of him. Sick is sick, and if you are too sick, then you are too sick. It's going to happen as an adult, it's going to happen as a kid....
Here's to hoping she gets better soon!! :)
Shevaun
Seems that it was a good night for all. We ordered and drank our drinks, ordered some food and then they lost our order. Can't complain. They took off all the appetizers off the bill. All we ordered was appetizers. And drinks.
When we got the bill, it was a wonderful amount for the six of us eating and drinking. Basically, it was the budget I'd made for myself. We were all discussing the bill and such, I just took it over and paid for it. It was just easier. But worth it. Actually, I don't think that any amount of money was worth the night that we had. It just was that nice. Drinks, food, and good friends. What else could I ask for?!
So I hope the girls don't mind in the future. They don't have to pay me back. It was my treat. I invited them, we got free food and it was worth it. I desperately needed this night. I didn't realise it until it just about didn't happen.
I also got to see my first june bug...I hope. Because my god...it was enormous and on my neighbours front step. It's gone now...but UGH!! They weren't sure if it was a cockroach or not. If it is, I"M OUTTA HERE MAN! DAMN!! Ask Jeff about my cockroach fear. Totally and absolutely unfounded and irrational, but really really bad. Makes me cry and shiver to think of them. Thankfully, I'm buzzed enough that it's not a big deal right now!
I also got to tell my babysitters mom that it was fine that she couldn't make it. I just wanted her better. She was worried about making the kids sick and she knew how little I get out, so she felt bad. She didn't need to worry. Even if I didn't make it out, I still would call on her again. My little man was disappointed that Taylar wasn't coming to take care of him. Sick is sick, and if you are too sick, then you are too sick. It's going to happen as an adult, it's going to happen as a kid....
Here's to hoping she gets better soon!! :)
Shevaun
An Update
Okay...so my day was tough. And it had some real downsides to it. I was feeling pretty dejected because frankly, I was being ignored all day long. The kids just didn't want to listen. Not my kids, not my friend's little guy who was here...<>
Then I see on Facebook that my babysitter isn't feeling well. NO NO NO!! I need this night out. I need it badly. So I tried her house number, no answer. I tried her cell, no answer. Well, maybe she will just come anyway...tough it out.
About five minutes later, she calls me. She sounds not great. Oh no. I really don't want to stay home tonight. I even managed to shower and dry my hair with THREE kids in the house. How do I stay home now? I've been DYING to go to Earls for a margarita night...I am alone for 21 days with my two kids. Who I love love love dearly...above and beyond all things on this earth.
But I need time to myself. A night with the girls. I need alcohol. I need to just chill.
I tell her that it's up to her. How does she feel? If she's not up to it, then it's best. But I'm going to let her make the decision. I know what I want. I want her to come over. My kids aren't hard. Olivia's in bed by 7, Logan, by 8. The rest of the night is the sitter's.
As I wait my two hours, I optimistcally do my makeup, fix my hair so I'm presentable and hope for the best, all the while knowing full well I'm screwed.
4 o'clock on the dot, the phone rings. I check the caller ID, it's my sitter. And the news isn't good. She just doesn't feel up to it. Fair enough. I'm not going to make her feel bad because I need a night out. I'm an adult, she's a 16 year old kid. That's too heavy for her. I'd rather she got better anyway, so that I can use her another night! :)
I call my friend Heather and say to her "What do you suggest?" Then it hits me. I have another sitter I can call. But she's really hard to get a hold of. Sometimes, the phone isn't answered, other times, she's busy, and then she's often not gotten the message.
I dial the number and it rings...once, twice...and SHE ANSWERS!! OMG!! I ask if it's really her because frankly, I can't believe my luck. Then I ask her if she's busy because let's face it, it seems far too good to be true...SHE IS! Holy crap! I ask her, "Do you want to babysit tonight? I'm in a real pickle!" She accepts the job...SWEET MERCY!!! Heather hears me because I didn't want to hang up...so I called my new sitter on my cell phone.
So I get to go out for margaritas, calamari and perhaps a burger. I've gotten dinner ordered, paid for and fed to the kids, and now I'm waiting to get my ride to Earls. I'm so very contented now.
I need this. It's fair. A night out once in a while is all I ask for. With adults...to NOT talk about Dora the Explorer and Transformers. I love my babies. I do...truly with all my heart and soul. But...I need adult interaction. I need dirty jokes and liquor. I need to be with my friends! :)
So good night and perhaps I'll blog about my glorious night out!
Shevaun
Then I see on Facebook that my babysitter isn't feeling well. NO NO NO!! I need this night out. I need it badly. So I tried her house number, no answer. I tried her cell, no answer. Well, maybe she will just come anyway...tough it out.
About five minutes later, she calls me. She sounds not great. Oh no. I really don't want to stay home tonight. I even managed to shower and dry my hair with THREE kids in the house. How do I stay home now? I've been DYING to go to Earls for a margarita night...I am alone for 21 days with my two kids. Who I love love love dearly...above and beyond all things on this earth.
But I need time to myself. A night with the girls. I need alcohol. I need to just chill.
I tell her that it's up to her. How does she feel? If she's not up to it, then it's best. But I'm going to let her make the decision. I know what I want. I want her to come over. My kids aren't hard. Olivia's in bed by 7, Logan, by 8. The rest of the night is the sitter's.
As I wait my two hours, I optimistcally do my makeup, fix my hair so I'm presentable and hope for the best, all the while knowing full well I'm screwed.
4 o'clock on the dot, the phone rings. I check the caller ID, it's my sitter. And the news isn't good. She just doesn't feel up to it. Fair enough. I'm not going to make her feel bad because I need a night out. I'm an adult, she's a 16 year old kid. That's too heavy for her. I'd rather she got better anyway, so that I can use her another night! :)
I call my friend Heather and say to her "What do you suggest?" Then it hits me. I have another sitter I can call. But she's really hard to get a hold of. Sometimes, the phone isn't answered, other times, she's busy, and then she's often not gotten the message.
I dial the number and it rings...once, twice...and SHE ANSWERS!! OMG!! I ask if it's really her because frankly, I can't believe my luck. Then I ask her if she's busy because let's face it, it seems far too good to be true...SHE IS! Holy crap! I ask her, "Do you want to babysit tonight? I'm in a real pickle!" She accepts the job...SWEET MERCY!!! Heather hears me because I didn't want to hang up...so I called my new sitter on my cell phone.
So I get to go out for margaritas, calamari and perhaps a burger. I've gotten dinner ordered, paid for and fed to the kids, and now I'm waiting to get my ride to Earls. I'm so very contented now.
I need this. It's fair. A night out once in a while is all I ask for. With adults...to NOT talk about Dora the Explorer and Transformers. I love my babies. I do...truly with all my heart and soul. But...I need adult interaction. I need dirty jokes and liquor. I need to be with my friends! :)
So good night and perhaps I'll blog about my glorious night out!
Shevaun
Too Disappointed
I was really hoping for a night out with my friends. I am super stoked. But I'm disappointed. I'm currently sitting here, waiting for my babysitter to call me and confirm if she's too sick to sit, or well enough to literally sit. Olivia and Logan are easy to take care of for everyone. Olivia goes to bed at 7 and if she feels like it, she can put him down then too. And then that's it...
I also decided that I should take care of a friend's kid. No biggie right? Uh man...wow. It's been a day of me raising my voice and trying to get the attention of children that want to do nothing of the sort. I mean, they're four and three...so what can I really expect? A little respect would be nice.
Ohhhh...we're one minute away from the news...hope she calls. Hope that when she calls, it's good news. I really need a night out. Margaritas, calamari and a nice burger sure seem like the cure to a rough day. Forget that there's another 11 days until Jeff is home.....
I also decided that I should take care of a friend's kid. No biggie right? Uh man...wow. It's been a day of me raising my voice and trying to get the attention of children that want to do nothing of the sort. I mean, they're four and three...so what can I really expect? A little respect would be nice.
Ohhhh...we're one minute away from the news...hope she calls. Hope that when she calls, it's good news. I really need a night out. Margaritas, calamari and a nice burger sure seem like the cure to a rough day. Forget that there's another 11 days until Jeff is home.....
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Spring Has Finally Arrived
I have to admit it here and now. I've had a really rough winter. It started back in December when the thermometer started to show -25...and there was wind with that. I was displeased. I managed to finally hunt down all of the winter gear, besides Logan's snowpants, but that's a different story altogether. I got Logan into his winter coat, got Olivia dressed up for the weather and headed out to Millwoods Town Centre so that I could get what I needed that day. What I really wanted to do what hunker down and just hibernate. Seriously. I want to be a bear.
Anyway, I got to the mall and we went to Canadian Tire for one little thing. So I told Logan to keep his coat on and we'd take it off when we got into the mall proper. Canadian Tire has a separate entrance. It's a bit of a pain in the winter, but it was fine. We got into the mall itself and Logan asked to take his coat off. I said sure and as he tried to unzip it, it got stuck. I was exasperated. I said "Fine, let me try." And I couldn't do it. I checked a little bit closer and noticed that it was broken all the way up to his neck!!! So the zipper's broken and I can't even take the coat over his head.
A good samaritan saw that I was having issues and came over to check what was happening. Logan was really upset because he thought he was stuck in his coat. I felt bad for the poor little guy. The guy managed to gather it up, move it down a bit and then forced it way down. I got it over his head and then was like "okay...it's -25, it's windy. I still have to get this kid home." I got onto the cell phone and called Jeff to say "Well, I hope you have a bit of extra money. Logan needs a new winter coat." Luckily, we did have some extra, so off to Zellers we went to find a new coat. NOTHING! And I mean NOTHING! Enormous snowpants, sure...winter coats, nadda. So I called Jeff back and said, "I'm going to have to go to Sport Chek." Okay...so now we're going to SPEND money. 100.00 later for a winter coat and off we go. Made it safe, and Logan had a winter coat in size 8. It'll last a while at least.
It stayed cold. It stayed really cold. -25's the whole time we were here until the middle of December. (There really is a reason I'm saying all this) We went to the Yukon for the holidays. It was a much better trip than the one we had the year before and a much deserved trip as well. We'd been working really hard all year and we really needed a bit of time off. As we got further and further north, it got colder and colder. In Fort Nelson, it was -32 when we got there. And it just got colder. We think by the time we hit Watson Lake, it was -45, almost so cold it feels hot on your skin. But hey...no wind. Actually more pleasant than -25 with wind.
While we were in Whitehorse, we had an amazing visit with everyone. But the weather just stayed cold. We were hunkered down alot for a day or two at a time during the holidays, due to -25 to -45 degree temps for the entire three weeks. Of course, it was freakin cold in Edmonton too, so we weren't missing much.
On our trip home, we had a great drive, and it was warming up. From Fort Nelson to Edmonton, we experienced a 29 degree temperature shift in the right direction. I was so happy! Three straight weeks of nothing higher than -25 had finally grated on me.
Back home, it didn't get much better. The three weeks we were gone had really affected our routine quite badly, and it was almost next to impossible to get back into the swing of things. And the weather didn't help me at all. Got cold, stayed cold and then snowed...and snowed...and snowed...and snowed. It wasn't worth risking our lives on the roads while we were home. It was easier to stay home rather than spend the time to get everyone's snowgear on. I was done with snowgear back in Feburary. But it was still necessary in March. I had a birthday party I was desperate to go to just for the fact that I'd be out of the house and of course, SNOW. Again. Damnit.
In Feburary I actually went to my doctor because I was having alot of trouble just coping. Coping with the kids alone for ten days in the house for a majority of those days, was frustrating me. Having little or no adult conversation somedays was really difficult. I'd be just sitting on the couch, feeling numb. One day, I finally broke. Literally, it was like my brain just cracked. I laid on my bed just crying. I hear from one room "Wogan's cwyin..." The other room "No Olivia. Mommy's crying." Well...time to move on. Got up, got them dressed and we went to playgroup. Just so that I could preserve some form of sanity.
That night though, I literally felt numb. Like I just couldn't care less at that point. My hair could have been on fire and I would have just sat there. I felt almost nothing. Strange feeling that is.
It took me nearly a week before I started to feel normal again. Once I realized how long it was taking me to get through all of this, I realized maybe I should go talk to my doctor. So, I packed up the kids and we went to the doctor to talk to her about the birth control I was on (perhaps the hormones were exacerbating the situation) or maybe I just had depression. Alot of the research that I checked pointed in either direction. My doctor said that chances were the season was just wearing on me, we'd been under alot of stress (Jeff's job had been in question a few times) and we'd just gotten home from a long trip and was having trouble renewing our routine. She was fairly sure it was just SAD (seasonal affectiveness disorder) and that when the spring came, I might feel better. I hadn't been exercising the way I should have been, I was in the house alot with the kids...it was wearing on me. I needed spring.
Well, it's taken spring a very long time to get here. But here it is. We've been out alot the past few days and now I'm actually starting to feel better. Okay, so after our walk on Sunday my hips ached (told you I was out of shape) and I had a sunburn, I felt great. Yesterday, we walked to the bank to cash a government cheque, then headed to the mall for some groceries. I was so amazed at how much I felt just so much more clear headed. I felt like there was something good changing, and that it was going to be as amazing a summer as I think it's going to be. I didn't go out today, but Olivia's got a bit of a cold and there's lots of things to do around here as well. I actually have the energy to work on laundry, get dishes done, make and eat regular meals, tidy Olivia's room, etc. It doesn't seem so overwhelming right now.
Seems my doctor was right. Winter was incredibly long, I am alone alot, but now that there is more blue sky, running water, geese and sunshine, things seem alot better. But, it also means that I know what to look for next winter. I've never experienced winter the way I did this year. I've never had "cabin fever" that bad in my life ever. I was born and raised in the Yukon. Winters are LONG there. They're having a HELL of a winter this year. I have to say that for all I went through this year, at least we weren't there for more than the three weeks we were. Sorry Yukoners...it's just how I feel. Hope it goes away soon!
Well...I guess thats it for now. I'm sure I'll have more again!
Anyway, I got to the mall and we went to Canadian Tire for one little thing. So I told Logan to keep his coat on and we'd take it off when we got into the mall proper. Canadian Tire has a separate entrance. It's a bit of a pain in the winter, but it was fine. We got into the mall itself and Logan asked to take his coat off. I said sure and as he tried to unzip it, it got stuck. I was exasperated. I said "Fine, let me try." And I couldn't do it. I checked a little bit closer and noticed that it was broken all the way up to his neck!!! So the zipper's broken and I can't even take the coat over his head.
A good samaritan saw that I was having issues and came over to check what was happening. Logan was really upset because he thought he was stuck in his coat. I felt bad for the poor little guy. The guy managed to gather it up, move it down a bit and then forced it way down. I got it over his head and then was like "okay...it's -25, it's windy. I still have to get this kid home." I got onto the cell phone and called Jeff to say "Well, I hope you have a bit of extra money. Logan needs a new winter coat." Luckily, we did have some extra, so off to Zellers we went to find a new coat. NOTHING! And I mean NOTHING! Enormous snowpants, sure...winter coats, nadda. So I called Jeff back and said, "I'm going to have to go to Sport Chek." Okay...so now we're going to SPEND money. 100.00 later for a winter coat and off we go. Made it safe, and Logan had a winter coat in size 8. It'll last a while at least.
It stayed cold. It stayed really cold. -25's the whole time we were here until the middle of December. (There really is a reason I'm saying all this) We went to the Yukon for the holidays. It was a much better trip than the one we had the year before and a much deserved trip as well. We'd been working really hard all year and we really needed a bit of time off. As we got further and further north, it got colder and colder. In Fort Nelson, it was -32 when we got there. And it just got colder. We think by the time we hit Watson Lake, it was -45, almost so cold it feels hot on your skin. But hey...no wind. Actually more pleasant than -25 with wind.
While we were in Whitehorse, we had an amazing visit with everyone. But the weather just stayed cold. We were hunkered down alot for a day or two at a time during the holidays, due to -25 to -45 degree temps for the entire three weeks. Of course, it was freakin cold in Edmonton too, so we weren't missing much.
On our trip home, we had a great drive, and it was warming up. From Fort Nelson to Edmonton, we experienced a 29 degree temperature shift in the right direction. I was so happy! Three straight weeks of nothing higher than -25 had finally grated on me.
Back home, it didn't get much better. The three weeks we were gone had really affected our routine quite badly, and it was almost next to impossible to get back into the swing of things. And the weather didn't help me at all. Got cold, stayed cold and then snowed...and snowed...and snowed...and snowed. It wasn't worth risking our lives on the roads while we were home. It was easier to stay home rather than spend the time to get everyone's snowgear on. I was done with snowgear back in Feburary. But it was still necessary in March. I had a birthday party I was desperate to go to just for the fact that I'd be out of the house and of course, SNOW. Again. Damnit.
In Feburary I actually went to my doctor because I was having alot of trouble just coping. Coping with the kids alone for ten days in the house for a majority of those days, was frustrating me. Having little or no adult conversation somedays was really difficult. I'd be just sitting on the couch, feeling numb. One day, I finally broke. Literally, it was like my brain just cracked. I laid on my bed just crying. I hear from one room "Wogan's cwyin..." The other room "No Olivia. Mommy's crying." Well...time to move on. Got up, got them dressed and we went to playgroup. Just so that I could preserve some form of sanity.
That night though, I literally felt numb. Like I just couldn't care less at that point. My hair could have been on fire and I would have just sat there. I felt almost nothing. Strange feeling that is.
It took me nearly a week before I started to feel normal again. Once I realized how long it was taking me to get through all of this, I realized maybe I should go talk to my doctor. So, I packed up the kids and we went to the doctor to talk to her about the birth control I was on (perhaps the hormones were exacerbating the situation) or maybe I just had depression. Alot of the research that I checked pointed in either direction. My doctor said that chances were the season was just wearing on me, we'd been under alot of stress (Jeff's job had been in question a few times) and we'd just gotten home from a long trip and was having trouble renewing our routine. She was fairly sure it was just SAD (seasonal affectiveness disorder) and that when the spring came, I might feel better. I hadn't been exercising the way I should have been, I was in the house alot with the kids...it was wearing on me. I needed spring.
Well, it's taken spring a very long time to get here. But here it is. We've been out alot the past few days and now I'm actually starting to feel better. Okay, so after our walk on Sunday my hips ached (told you I was out of shape) and I had a sunburn, I felt great. Yesterday, we walked to the bank to cash a government cheque, then headed to the mall for some groceries. I was so amazed at how much I felt just so much more clear headed. I felt like there was something good changing, and that it was going to be as amazing a summer as I think it's going to be. I didn't go out today, but Olivia's got a bit of a cold and there's lots of things to do around here as well. I actually have the energy to work on laundry, get dishes done, make and eat regular meals, tidy Olivia's room, etc. It doesn't seem so overwhelming right now.
Seems my doctor was right. Winter was incredibly long, I am alone alot, but now that there is more blue sky, running water, geese and sunshine, things seem alot better. But, it also means that I know what to look for next winter. I've never experienced winter the way I did this year. I've never had "cabin fever" that bad in my life ever. I was born and raised in the Yukon. Winters are LONG there. They're having a HELL of a winter this year. I have to say that for all I went through this year, at least we weren't there for more than the three weeks we were. Sorry Yukoners...it's just how I feel. Hope it goes away soon!
Well...I guess thats it for now. I'm sure I'll have more again!
Monday, April 6, 2009
The First of Another Blog
I've done this before. I've had pages of blogs and then just stopped. Then I sort of realized that something might be missing. Blogging is an interesting thing. I like to journal, and that's good when it's something really personal I guess, but in my own life, I find that I like to share. I enjoy letting other people know that I'm like everyone else. I struggle, I endure, I cry, I laugh. I figured maybe I could start blogging again. Who knows? It could be an interesting thing to try over the summer again. Give myself something to focus on. A HOBBY!! YEAH!!
I guess I'll give you a quick rundown. I'm a 30 (and proud by the way...30 rocks!) year old mom and wife. My husband Jeff works in Fort McMurray right now so I am also a stay at home mom of two little kids. Logan, who is 4, almost 5, and Olivia, who is 21 months. It's a hectic life with some incredible highs and massive deep lows. But it's my life. And I love it.
I'm originally from the Yukon. Whitehorse specifically. And I miss it sometimes. Alot. Then I go up there, spend two or three weeks and then I find I want to get to Edmonton faster than you can imagine! Whitehorse is my hometown, but it's not really my home anymore. I love to be there, it's a calming place for me. I want my children to experience growing up in the Yukon as well as in Edmonton. I'm hoping to give them a different perspective on life.
Otherwise, I'm a pretty typical woman. I am a wife, a mommy, a sister, a daughter, an aunt...whew. I'm alot of things. Sometimes too many things. But it's alright. I enjoy most of my positions in life! Especially being a mom. Outside of who I am to other people, I am a photographer. I have to say that now. I AM A PHOTOGRAPHER! And while there are millions of photographers out there, I think that I have a special something. I think that I see things a bit differently than others and I can capture it. I am an artist of sorts I guess. I don't think I'm a pretentious "I'm better than you" type artist though. I don't like those types. I like seeing what I photograph albeit my kids, nature, a peice of fruit that caught my eye. I enjoy photography for what it provides for me, which is a way to express what I find beauty in. I love sunsets, I love animals, I love kids, I love that piece of fruit that caught my eye! But I've been told that I'm too modest about it...that I should be doing it professionally...that I need to have more confidence in my talent. Maybe one day, when I have more time. When my kids are doing their own thing and I need a thing to do. For now, my kids are my focus and my main subjects!
So I guess that's the basics. I'll try to remember to do this more regularily now. I've always found blogging, journalling...whatever you want to call it, to be relatively cathartic. I find that even just putting my thoughts to whatever medium I have available to me can be very freeing, even if no one ever reads it. So if you enjoy it, great. If it makes you think, awesome. If it is something that you're going through and it's just nice to know you're not alone, marvellous. You don't have to like me, agree with me or my opinions and you're welcome to express yourself in an intelligent manner. I'm all for free open debate and speech. And I will probably blog about just about anything. If one thing has changed in my life above and beyond everything since having kids, it's the confidence that I have in myself and my opinion. What a weird statement. I'm confident in how I raise my kids, take care of my family, express my opinion verbally, but not in how I express myself artistically. I need to look into that a bit. Perhaps blogging really is what I need!
So yeah...more again soon!
Shevaun
I guess I'll give you a quick rundown. I'm a 30 (and proud by the way...30 rocks!) year old mom and wife. My husband Jeff works in Fort McMurray right now so I am also a stay at home mom of two little kids. Logan, who is 4, almost 5, and Olivia, who is 21 months. It's a hectic life with some incredible highs and massive deep lows. But it's my life. And I love it.
I'm originally from the Yukon. Whitehorse specifically. And I miss it sometimes. Alot. Then I go up there, spend two or three weeks and then I find I want to get to Edmonton faster than you can imagine! Whitehorse is my hometown, but it's not really my home anymore. I love to be there, it's a calming place for me. I want my children to experience growing up in the Yukon as well as in Edmonton. I'm hoping to give them a different perspective on life.
Otherwise, I'm a pretty typical woman. I am a wife, a mommy, a sister, a daughter, an aunt...whew. I'm alot of things. Sometimes too many things. But it's alright. I enjoy most of my positions in life! Especially being a mom. Outside of who I am to other people, I am a photographer. I have to say that now. I AM A PHOTOGRAPHER! And while there are millions of photographers out there, I think that I have a special something. I think that I see things a bit differently than others and I can capture it. I am an artist of sorts I guess. I don't think I'm a pretentious "I'm better than you" type artist though. I don't like those types. I like seeing what I photograph albeit my kids, nature, a peice of fruit that caught my eye. I enjoy photography for what it provides for me, which is a way to express what I find beauty in. I love sunsets, I love animals, I love kids, I love that piece of fruit that caught my eye! But I've been told that I'm too modest about it...that I should be doing it professionally...that I need to have more confidence in my talent. Maybe one day, when I have more time. When my kids are doing their own thing and I need a thing to do. For now, my kids are my focus and my main subjects!
So I guess that's the basics. I'll try to remember to do this more regularily now. I've always found blogging, journalling...whatever you want to call it, to be relatively cathartic. I find that even just putting my thoughts to whatever medium I have available to me can be very freeing, even if no one ever reads it. So if you enjoy it, great. If it makes you think, awesome. If it is something that you're going through and it's just nice to know you're not alone, marvellous. You don't have to like me, agree with me or my opinions and you're welcome to express yourself in an intelligent manner. I'm all for free open debate and speech. And I will probably blog about just about anything. If one thing has changed in my life above and beyond everything since having kids, it's the confidence that I have in myself and my opinion. What a weird statement. I'm confident in how I raise my kids, take care of my family, express my opinion verbally, but not in how I express myself artistically. I need to look into that a bit. Perhaps blogging really is what I need!
So yeah...more again soon!
Shevaun
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