Coming Around

Well, life is sure changing. In a great way though. Weird how a little pill can help you gain perspective, but along with that pill, I needed to talk to someone else. Someone outside my scope of family or friends. Someone who can ask questions. Someone who can make me feel like I'm in a safe place, where I can say anything, about anyone and know that no matter what I say, none of it is "wrong" or "right". It just is what it is and it is how I feel. It's fair. I'm allowed. And I won't apologize for anything I have to say.

To put it in a bit of a crazy way, the little pill has helped to quell the little "voices". The niggling little "voices" who tell me I'm not good enough (even though I know I am), who tell me that I said the wrong thing (and if I did, who cares), who tell me that I need to make sure that everyone else is happy before I am (which I totally know is wrong, but it's how I've lived for so long, I don't know how else to live). They also tell me that I'm at risk for silly things that I can't worry about, because let's face it, if something is going to happen to us, why worry about it? It will happen if it happens. Life's like that.

Life is what happens while you're worrying about and planning life.

Alot of the time, we spend so much time worrying about things like swine flu,or whatever malady might strike us where we will be in five years, what we will do tomorrow, how we will get that car, truck, tv, house, (whatever it might be we're coveting). We don't take the time to be happy in the moment, love life as it is and take in the beauty around us. I know, I know, it sounds so cheezy, but it's so true. We worry so much about having the "things"we don't have that we don't appreciate the "Things" we have around us. I don't worry so much anymore about alot of stuff. I'm coming around. I'm working on getting past worrying about other people's problems and how they view me. It's time for me. It's time for my kids, and it's time for my husband. It's time for MY family. I will always be there for my friends, willing to help out if I can, but if I can't I won't tear myself up if I have to say no. I won't worry that my friend won't love me anymore, or they won't want to ask me for assisstance anymore. I will just live my life and hope they appreciate the fact that I need to be with MY family.

My scope is very narrow right now. I am focused on me, my kids and Jeff. Plain and simple. When we have something WE want to do, WE will do it, albeit a trip to Waterton Lakes, or anywhere else. We will have our schedule, where we will be, when we will be there and it will be our time. Other people are always welcome to join us, but I won't be able to adjust my plans. It's time for us to schedule time for us. We have big plans for this summer. Lots of travel, lots of places to see, things to do. We're excited. And it's our time. We will get there when and if we get there. If we get sidetracked and wind up in the mountains somewhere, AWESOME! If we don't, AWESOME! :) It's just so much easier when we say "Here's our plan. See you if wish to join us!"

Otherwise, I'm still going to more counselling. I loved her. She reminded me alot of one of my friends, so I knew right away that I'd like her. She was willing to let this rambling, bumbling, chatty woman to talk about the things she needs to deal with most, and help to guide me through it.

So, like I said, I'm coming around. It's happening faster than I ever thought it could. And I'm becoming happier, calmer, a little bit less anxious everyday. I've gone from perpetual anxiety for just about three weeks straight, to only two "attacks" (because I don't know what else to call them) in the past week. The first was relatively minor but lasted several hours, but the last one last Friday was quick and didn't last long at all. Just got an achy chest, then relaxed, watched two movies and had a ton of fun!! So it's been good. All of it. It's working out quickly, and thankfully, I'm on the right track!!

So, basically, sorry to those who this change might affect. It's time for me to change. I know that there are some people who it will affect...but I mean, I can't make things better for anyone else before I make things better for myself! Life moves forward...time marches on.

And so do I!