Changes

So life moves forward, sometimes without us. Sometimes, we get trapped in a cycle of wondering "Why am I here?" "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't I do anything right?" And on and on. Questions that we should ask, but not dwell on.

I haven't been dwelling perse on these questions. I've been wondering and worrying. Which is never a benefit to one's person. Sometimes, it's just best to let the worry wash over you, think on it for a few minutes, maybe even write it down, then move forward. I have trouble doing that. If something worries me, or bothers me, I dwell on it, worrying to the point where I wind up anxious about these things.

Two weeks ago, alot of the things that have been bothering me, the fact that I'm alone so much with so much time to think, finally got to me. I started having chest pains (which I'd had in the past, but not to this degree). Logan was awake, it was 1:30 in the morning, I had a birthday party to not only plan, but buy the food and supplies for, we were planning on moving beds around, giving Logan a new on, and Olivia was going into a bed for the first time. Not to mention, Jeff had been away for three weeks, and I was ready for a break. It all came down on me right away.

I called Health Link. I call them all the time when I have a health question, and chest pain definitely fit into that description. The nurse was sympathetic, but firm. She talked to me, went through the symptoms and when she learned of my situation with my husband, she understood almost immediately. She validated some feelings I'd been having, and I cried. Suddenly, the chest pain went away. Whoa...that was unexpected.

She says to me "I think you're suffering from anxiety." Huh. Anxiety eh? Well, alright. It fits. I went online, checked out a few sites regarding it, and found that alot of my symptoms, muscle pain, chest aches as well as a few others. So okay, I'm not dying. That was a relief. But then the questions started..."What's WRONG with me?" Because let's face it, chest pain? There's something wrong!

Jeff was home, we went to Calgary to get Logan's new bed, our birthday party was so much fun, we got rid of some garbage that we had had trouble getting rid of, it was just all good. It was perfect. How can I complain? In the meantime, the chest pain would come and go, I would get tired, it was a rough week. I tried to make an appointment with my doctor so I could figure this out, but she was out of town.

The following Monday, Jeff went back north, and I had cold starting. Not alot of fun. Olivia and I figured we could share it. Why not? I got to the doctor on Wednesday (no mean feat when I have to haul the kids with me and because it was short notice, I couldn't find a sitter) and went to talk to her. She went through alot of the questions, and we switched birth control methods. We think that perhaps the hormones in my birth control exacerbated the situation. She sent me for tests, which I got on Thursday.

By Thursday night, I was in a full on panic. One of the tests was an ECG and while I understood mentally that she was ruling things out in order to make a firmer diagnosis, but it was hard to tell what she thought. Friday, I was pretty much in the same place. I went to a friend's house, talked to her and every five seconds, started to cry. She and I then were discussing how a pet could be so comforting. I talked to Jeff and we decided to get a cat. So after my friend had to go for her bus route, Logan, Olivia and I went to get a cat. Our new Humane Society in the north end is gorgeous, and if you live in Edmonton and want a pet, it's the place to go!

I spoke to my mother in law that night for two hours...and made alot of progress. I felt alot better. But still suffered throughout the weekend. The anxiety would crop up, bugging me, making my heart pound, my chest muscles ache...its not fun.

Now...for the good news. I went to the doctor yesterday after five days of panicking. I was given a clean bill of health. My heart is fine, my glucose is fine, my potassium and sodium are normal. Nothing came up on the random blood check, so all is good. Now...what do I need to do to change?

For starters, I have ativan to help calm me if I need to calm down. I had to use one last night because my muscles overtop of my heart were achy, which made me go a bit anxious. I tried to breathe, I tried to focus on something else, but the anxiety would not go away. The ativan helped immensely. It also helped me to know that if there were an issue with my heart, it would probably still ache even with the ativan. SO! I can tell myself that and make things work out better!

Next, counselling. There are things that need to be said outloud to someone who can push me and help me to figure out why they suddenly bug me. I think I'm ready to deal with some things that need to be dealt with. And frankly, I'm excited. It's time for change.

I've also started taking anti anxiety meds. Celexia should help me to get through this for a while. I don't want it to be a permanent solution. I need something to help me make it through for a few months, then I want to be able to deal with it, prescription free.

I'm also journalling. There are things in my life that I don't want to express in blogs. It's not fair to people who I sometimes need to express feelings about during a period of time. Sometimes, it's just too personal to have other people reading it. Though I'm very open and very honest about my life, there are some things best kept to me.

I've started taking a vitamin B suppliment. That's helping already. I'm sure it is.

Let's put it this way. I'm taking control. I'm taking steps to make sure that I can be a more positive influence in my own life, not to mention my kids and husband's lives. They are the most important people and the most influenced and affected by my moods and feelings.

If you think that any of this sounds familiar, perhaps talking to your doctor is a good thing. Life gets out of control sometimes, and as mommies, wives and women in general, we have this weight on our shoulders, telling us that we have to be in control all the time. That asking for help is a sign of weakness. That needing help is even worse. My mother in law told me something the other day that REALLY made me want to go for counselling. "It takes a strong person to go to counselling."

I have to agree with her.

It's easy to stay in the life you've created for yourself. It's easy to say "I can't today because ........ (there's always an excuse)" It's easy to think "I can survive this. I can do it on my own." "I can't afford it." But it's really hard to admit that you CANNOT do it on your own. That you NEED help. And regardless of your financial situation, help is out there in some capacity. That it's NOT a weakness to ask. It's okay to ask. The choices you make today ultimately shape who you will be tomorrow. Those same choices reflect in your family and how you handle the situations that present themselves.

While self discovery has been an exhausting and crazy ride, it's a real benefit when you try it. I've been really happy with the things I've discovered about myself. I've been able to make choices in an honest way that have helped me to want to make changes that were a long time in coming. Now it's time to make a serious stab at making those changes. I'm slowly making my way out of a two week fog that clouded my life in the real world, but really made me stop and think in the mental world. I'm going to come out of this a stronger, wiser, more honest woman. I will be a more effective mom, wife, friend, daughter and sister.

This, while it seems it was a very difficult and long journey, has been a good journey. I'm looking forward to the outcome!

Good luck to all the other mommies and women out there who are in a fog, just funtioning. I hope you find your journey of self discovery and make the changes that will best benefit your life.