Potty Training?

So I've been changing diapers for the past five years. I'm pretty good at it now. Just about a pro. I can change a diaper anywhere, any kind. I've actually gone to change Olivia's diaper in the mall here and found out that **GASP** there were no diapers in the diaper bag. That was harsh. Thankfully, we were in a mall, close to a Shoppers Drug Mart. Too bad the lady in front of me had to count each piece of change she had then aruge about the price of something. **SIGH** That left me in a bad spot, hoping that my daughter was sitting diaperless with my friends and didn't make a nasty mess in them. Then I'd have to buy new pants, cause I didn't have those in the bag either.

Anyway, now here we are, one month shy of 2 and Olivia's starting to become intersted in potties and peeing in them. Has she yet? Nope. But Logan yells out "I have to go pee!!" And Olivia repeats "I have to go pee too!!" And then screams blue murder when he closes the door.

I went to Ikea, because on a hot tip, one of the ladies at one of my playgroups let me know that I can get potties for 3.00!! THREE DOLLARS!! I'm not kidding. So I bought two. They are solid plastic, no little cup to pee around, so easier to clean up! I was so excited. We brought the potties home and Olivia wears them on her head (as she wears it, she yells "BUCKET HEAD!!"), falls off of them, plays on them, but at least she's paying attention to them.

Today, she came downstairs, and I noticed that her new diaper was hanging out of the shorts of her pj's. I said, "Olivia, your diaper's falling off!!"

"Take it off! Take diapee off!" (she doesn't say -er yet. Everything with -er is -ee. We don't encourage it, it just is how she says things.)

So I took the diaper off and realized this was a great opportunity to try the potty. I have one downstairs, one upstairs. She took the one in the living room, sat on it for about 10 seconds, got off and then picked it up. Thank heaven's she didn't pee in it. She tipped it over her head and proceeded to carry it around. Then she found out when you dropped it, it bounces, sometimes back to the way it should be! It became a game of tossing the potty....great.

I asked her if she wanted to wear her princess panties (Disney Princesses are popular) or a diaper. She said panties. So Logan went upstairs, got her three or four pair and I put her in a pair of white Ariel panties. I said,

"When you have to pee, sit on the potty!"

She sat on the potty and Logan decided that she needed to take her panties off, and it wound up being a chase to get her panties off...<> When the chase was over because I said "STOP! You're going to knock her down!" she sat up in our big comfy chair, then wandered over to me about two seconds later and says,

"I peed."

Coming Around

Well, life is sure changing. In a great way though. Weird how a little pill can help you gain perspective, but along with that pill, I needed to talk to someone else. Someone outside my scope of family or friends. Someone who can ask questions. Someone who can make me feel like I'm in a safe place, where I can say anything, about anyone and know that no matter what I say, none of it is "wrong" or "right". It just is what it is and it is how I feel. It's fair. I'm allowed. And I won't apologize for anything I have to say.

To put it in a bit of a crazy way, the little pill has helped to quell the little "voices". The niggling little "voices" who tell me I'm not good enough (even though I know I am), who tell me that I said the wrong thing (and if I did, who cares), who tell me that I need to make sure that everyone else is happy before I am (which I totally know is wrong, but it's how I've lived for so long, I don't know how else to live). They also tell me that I'm at risk for silly things that I can't worry about, because let's face it, if something is going to happen to us, why worry about it? It will happen if it happens. Life's like that.

Life is what happens while you're worrying about and planning life.

Alot of the time, we spend so much time worrying about things like swine flu,or whatever malady might strike us where we will be in five years, what we will do tomorrow, how we will get that car, truck, tv, house, (whatever it might be we're coveting). We don't take the time to be happy in the moment, love life as it is and take in the beauty around us. I know, I know, it sounds so cheezy, but it's so true. We worry so much about having the "things"we don't have that we don't appreciate the "Things" we have around us. I don't worry so much anymore about alot of stuff. I'm coming around. I'm working on getting past worrying about other people's problems and how they view me. It's time for me. It's time for my kids, and it's time for my husband. It's time for MY family. I will always be there for my friends, willing to help out if I can, but if I can't I won't tear myself up if I have to say no. I won't worry that my friend won't love me anymore, or they won't want to ask me for assisstance anymore. I will just live my life and hope they appreciate the fact that I need to be with MY family.

My scope is very narrow right now. I am focused on me, my kids and Jeff. Plain and simple. When we have something WE want to do, WE will do it, albeit a trip to Waterton Lakes, or anywhere else. We will have our schedule, where we will be, when we will be there and it will be our time. Other people are always welcome to join us, but I won't be able to adjust my plans. It's time for us to schedule time for us. We have big plans for this summer. Lots of travel, lots of places to see, things to do. We're excited. And it's our time. We will get there when and if we get there. If we get sidetracked and wind up in the mountains somewhere, AWESOME! If we don't, AWESOME! :) It's just so much easier when we say "Here's our plan. See you if wish to join us!"

Otherwise, I'm still going to more counselling. I loved her. She reminded me alot of one of my friends, so I knew right away that I'd like her. She was willing to let this rambling, bumbling, chatty woman to talk about the things she needs to deal with most, and help to guide me through it.

So, like I said, I'm coming around. It's happening faster than I ever thought it could. And I'm becoming happier, calmer, a little bit less anxious everyday. I've gone from perpetual anxiety for just about three weeks straight, to only two "attacks" (because I don't know what else to call them) in the past week. The first was relatively minor but lasted several hours, but the last one last Friday was quick and didn't last long at all. Just got an achy chest, then relaxed, watched two movies and had a ton of fun!! So it's been good. All of it. It's working out quickly, and thankfully, I'm on the right track!!

So, basically, sorry to those who this change might affect. It's time for me to change. I know that there are some people who it will affect...but I mean, I can't make things better for anyone else before I make things better for myself! Life moves forward...time marches on.

And so do I!

My Thought For Today

You must be open to change in order to have effective change in your life.

Take from that what you want. For me, it means that I'm super stoked to see my new counsellor next Thursday. I want to make effective, positive change in my life, and I plan by fixing a few things first. Learning to deal with my emotions and thoughts in a positive way. I don't want to be on the meds forever. Therapy WITH the meds will help for the time being. After that, time will tell.

Sounds sort of esoteric, but on a journey of self discovery, it can be a bit esoteric. I'll be weird for a while. I'll be a bit strange, a bit well...estoeric. I'm coming around. Things are changing.

I am changing.

And it's good change.

Mayflower

So, I've been dealing with alot of feelings of loneliness, frustration at being lonely, because let's face it, I don't NEED to be entertained. Right? Anyway, it's been a long time in coming, but we got a pet.

A sweet little cat named Mayflower. She's a six month old tortiseshell kitten with personality to spare. Affectionate, sweet, not remotely shy, she hungers for affection (sometimes at bad times, like five o'clock in the morning) but outgoing and sweet.

How it came about was a meant to be situation.

I was at my friend Amanda's house. I was talking to her about the things I'd been experiencing, and how I was feeling. I said that I was lonely at night, and had too much time to think. I mentioned how nice it would be to have a small warm body around to cuddle with at night. Just to chill. Someone to distract me. She has a small cat named Jax. She's a sweet little thing and Amanda mentioned how having a cat can be such a great relaxer. I thought "hmm..." because I'd asked Jeff recently and started to cry. I started to realize, I needed someone around. Even if it was a small someone who purrs and cuddles.

I went online at Amanda's house to look at the Edmonton Humane Society's webpage. I was also very eager to go to their new facility that they just built and had opened the week before. I wanted to see what it was like but knew that I couldn't go unless I was getting a pet. I haven't had a pet since I put my dog down 2 1/2 years ago. And that was the hardest thing I'd ever done.

Besides not having a pet that long, I have a little girl who doesn't favour animals the way Logan and I do. She's scared of my in-laws cats and my family's dogs. But she would have to get over that eventually. All sides have pets. Hell, her godparents have a farm!

So anyway, on the website, I saw this cute little cat. I figured it'd be hard to find her, but thought, why not go look. The drive was so long, but it was worth it. Logan and Olivia fell asleep for a while, and given they each had a cold, it was a good thing.

After passing the Humane Society's building three times...(well...read my previous blog...it's been a crazy two weeks) I got there. I walked into a beautiful building, filled with light, fresh air, and a ton of animals.

I went into one room, got bumrushed by two cats who wanted love really bad! One of them, I picked up, he seemed sweet. Then he went around the room and beat the hell out of each cat there. So yeah. He wasn't for us.

I went into the "cat condo" room right at the end of the hallway. In the last cage, there was Mayflower. I picked her up, and she immediately settled into my arms. She let the kids pet her and never shied away. Even Olivia was interested in her. Which sealed it, but still I thought I should look around. See who else might catch my attention. I looked carefully in each cage, saw a few that were sweet, but no one caught my attention like Mayflower did.

So I picked up her paperwork, and went to the desk to wait. And wait, and wait. Then they got the kitty and brought her to the interview room where they let her out. And she just wandered around, sniffing, with a 22 month old and a five year old following her around "Come here kitty, Hi kitty, nice kitty" and she just chilled. She checked everything out, and just chilled.

The ride home was relatively uneventful. She barely made a sound, but for the occasional mew.

I pulled up in front of the Petcetera near our house. There's a HUGE sign "Everything in store 20-70% off!" WOW! YES!! Kitty litter, regularly 10.77, 3.27!! MY GOD!! Toys 20% off, food 20%off...this is awesome! So I get my things, watch as the girl makes mistakes that work out in my favour (she knew she was doing it...didn't really care either) paid for them and went home.

I brought the cat into the house, opened her box and expected her to bolt and hide. Boy...I was wrong. She came out of the box and immediately started to explore. This is too good. Okay, so now I wait for her to do something wrong. Nothing. I was on the phone with my mother in law and my cat was now winding her way over my shoulders, through my arm holding the phone, just purring like an engine.

Bedtime. Okay. It's going to be a long night. I just know it. I can feel it. And....

I was wrong. Mayflower was a little wary of my bedroom, especially the white polar bear on my bed. After Mayflower realized she could get under the covers and cuddle with an execeptionally warm body, she settled in for the night. The first two nights were tough. I've been dealing with anxiety attacks and with the new warm little body in my bed, it was hard to sleep, but I did it.

Mothers Day, we went for dinner with friends. I figured for sure that we'd come home to something bad. Nope. She was sleeping on the chair, right where we left her two hours beforehand.

So our little kitten has settled very quickly into our lives. She loves the kids, Olivia's coming around very quickly and doesn't always freak out when Mayflower comes to her. For what it's worth Mayflower really wants to be Olivia's friend. She follows her around, it's funny to watch. She's even decided that Olivia's bed is a good place for rest when we're out of the house. She lets Logan haul her around, and cuddles in his lap on the big chair when he's up there chillin. It truly feels like it was meant to be. And that's what it should be. It shouldn't be a fight. And this won't be. She's a cute little cat, with alot of personality, and just wants love.

And we love her!! :)

Changes

So life moves forward, sometimes without us. Sometimes, we get trapped in a cycle of wondering "Why am I here?" "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't I do anything right?" And on and on. Questions that we should ask, but not dwell on.

I haven't been dwelling perse on these questions. I've been wondering and worrying. Which is never a benefit to one's person. Sometimes, it's just best to let the worry wash over you, think on it for a few minutes, maybe even write it down, then move forward. I have trouble doing that. If something worries me, or bothers me, I dwell on it, worrying to the point where I wind up anxious about these things.

Two weeks ago, alot of the things that have been bothering me, the fact that I'm alone so much with so much time to think, finally got to me. I started having chest pains (which I'd had in the past, but not to this degree). Logan was awake, it was 1:30 in the morning, I had a birthday party to not only plan, but buy the food and supplies for, we were planning on moving beds around, giving Logan a new on, and Olivia was going into a bed for the first time. Not to mention, Jeff had been away for three weeks, and I was ready for a break. It all came down on me right away.

I called Health Link. I call them all the time when I have a health question, and chest pain definitely fit into that description. The nurse was sympathetic, but firm. She talked to me, went through the symptoms and when she learned of my situation with my husband, she understood almost immediately. She validated some feelings I'd been having, and I cried. Suddenly, the chest pain went away. Whoa...that was unexpected.

She says to me "I think you're suffering from anxiety." Huh. Anxiety eh? Well, alright. It fits. I went online, checked out a few sites regarding it, and found that alot of my symptoms, muscle pain, chest aches as well as a few others. So okay, I'm not dying. That was a relief. But then the questions started..."What's WRONG with me?" Because let's face it, chest pain? There's something wrong!

Jeff was home, we went to Calgary to get Logan's new bed, our birthday party was so much fun, we got rid of some garbage that we had had trouble getting rid of, it was just all good. It was perfect. How can I complain? In the meantime, the chest pain would come and go, I would get tired, it was a rough week. I tried to make an appointment with my doctor so I could figure this out, but she was out of town.

The following Monday, Jeff went back north, and I had cold starting. Not alot of fun. Olivia and I figured we could share it. Why not? I got to the doctor on Wednesday (no mean feat when I have to haul the kids with me and because it was short notice, I couldn't find a sitter) and went to talk to her. She went through alot of the questions, and we switched birth control methods. We think that perhaps the hormones in my birth control exacerbated the situation. She sent me for tests, which I got on Thursday.

By Thursday night, I was in a full on panic. One of the tests was an ECG and while I understood mentally that she was ruling things out in order to make a firmer diagnosis, but it was hard to tell what she thought. Friday, I was pretty much in the same place. I went to a friend's house, talked to her and every five seconds, started to cry. She and I then were discussing how a pet could be so comforting. I talked to Jeff and we decided to get a cat. So after my friend had to go for her bus route, Logan, Olivia and I went to get a cat. Our new Humane Society in the north end is gorgeous, and if you live in Edmonton and want a pet, it's the place to go!

I spoke to my mother in law that night for two hours...and made alot of progress. I felt alot better. But still suffered throughout the weekend. The anxiety would crop up, bugging me, making my heart pound, my chest muscles ache...its not fun.

Now...for the good news. I went to the doctor yesterday after five days of panicking. I was given a clean bill of health. My heart is fine, my glucose is fine, my potassium and sodium are normal. Nothing came up on the random blood check, so all is good. Now...what do I need to do to change?

For starters, I have ativan to help calm me if I need to calm down. I had to use one last night because my muscles overtop of my heart were achy, which made me go a bit anxious. I tried to breathe, I tried to focus on something else, but the anxiety would not go away. The ativan helped immensely. It also helped me to know that if there were an issue with my heart, it would probably still ache even with the ativan. SO! I can tell myself that and make things work out better!

Next, counselling. There are things that need to be said outloud to someone who can push me and help me to figure out why they suddenly bug me. I think I'm ready to deal with some things that need to be dealt with. And frankly, I'm excited. It's time for change.

I've also started taking anti anxiety meds. Celexia should help me to get through this for a while. I don't want it to be a permanent solution. I need something to help me make it through for a few months, then I want to be able to deal with it, prescription free.

I'm also journalling. There are things in my life that I don't want to express in blogs. It's not fair to people who I sometimes need to express feelings about during a period of time. Sometimes, it's just too personal to have other people reading it. Though I'm very open and very honest about my life, there are some things best kept to me.

I've started taking a vitamin B suppliment. That's helping already. I'm sure it is.

Let's put it this way. I'm taking control. I'm taking steps to make sure that I can be a more positive influence in my own life, not to mention my kids and husband's lives. They are the most important people and the most influenced and affected by my moods and feelings.

If you think that any of this sounds familiar, perhaps talking to your doctor is a good thing. Life gets out of control sometimes, and as mommies, wives and women in general, we have this weight on our shoulders, telling us that we have to be in control all the time. That asking for help is a sign of weakness. That needing help is even worse. My mother in law told me something the other day that REALLY made me want to go for counselling. "It takes a strong person to go to counselling."

I have to agree with her.

It's easy to stay in the life you've created for yourself. It's easy to say "I can't today because ........ (there's always an excuse)" It's easy to think "I can survive this. I can do it on my own." "I can't afford it." But it's really hard to admit that you CANNOT do it on your own. That you NEED help. And regardless of your financial situation, help is out there in some capacity. That it's NOT a weakness to ask. It's okay to ask. The choices you make today ultimately shape who you will be tomorrow. Those same choices reflect in your family and how you handle the situations that present themselves.

While self discovery has been an exhausting and crazy ride, it's a real benefit when you try it. I've been really happy with the things I've discovered about myself. I've been able to make choices in an honest way that have helped me to want to make changes that were a long time in coming. Now it's time to make a serious stab at making those changes. I'm slowly making my way out of a two week fog that clouded my life in the real world, but really made me stop and think in the mental world. I'm going to come out of this a stronger, wiser, more honest woman. I will be a more effective mom, wife, friend, daughter and sister.

This, while it seems it was a very difficult and long journey, has been a good journey. I'm looking forward to the outcome!

Good luck to all the other mommies and women out there who are in a fog, just funtioning. I hope you find your journey of self discovery and make the changes that will best benefit your life.