Life...

I live life. I live MY life. I was asked recently how happy I really am with Jeff being away and me being mommy all the time on my own when he's gone.

Okay. Here is it. And this is it. I'm not lying, rationalizing, anything. This is how my life is.

My life is good. No. Wait. My life is awesome. It's incredible. It's what I always wanted. Seriously. I always wanted to be a mom. I really never had aspirations of greatness. I have aspirations of RAISING greatness. My goal is to have beautiful, objective, openminded, questioning, free thinking individuals grow up in my home. To make sure my children grow up knowing that the thing their mother wanted more than anything, was for them to be happy, healthy, have their own lives and children.

I just wanted to live.

I've been told that what I'm doing is akin to being a single mom. Here's another thing I'd love to set straight. I am NOT a single mom. A single mom has it alot harder than I do. I have a partner who HAS to listen to me. Begrudgingly sometimes I'm sure. But he has to listen. My problems are his problems. My issues are his issues. My children are his children. And if you're reading this thinking "He doesn't HAVE to listen." Yes. He does. I will make sure he does. I am NOT doing this on my own. I just do it alone daily for a period of time. I still talk to him daily and let him know of our day. He can't discipline from a distance, but he can listen and support me and my decisions raising our children. We do it together. We just do it a bit differently from other families.

Unlike single moms I don't have to worry about going to work, make money and pay for daycare. I am daycare.

And yes. Being away from Jeff sucks. It does. I miss him. I miss his company, his sense of humor, his companionship. I am, however, always secure in the knowledge that he is coming home to me in a certain period of time. In the past year, that time period has varied, but we adjust and move forward. We have to. It's part of our lives. He works hard for us. He works to make sure that we're secure and happy. He works because it's what he does. What he will always do. It's part of him.

I enjoy the fact that we're not struggling. I love that I don't have to worry about where my next load of groceries are coming from. I love that I don't have to worry about where I'm going to get the next set of clothes for the kids as they grow rapidly out of everything. I love that I don't have to count every single penny, making sure that there's at least five dollars in the bank to get milk. Money does in some ways, buy happiness. It buys comfort, contentment and the ability to enjoy your life with less stress. I wonder if the people who say it doesn't hasn't experienced having a lack of funds.

When Jeff is home, he throws himself into the role of father and husband. He is there to help me along. I get reprieve. I don't get "I've been working for ten days. You get up with Olivia." I get a man who gets up with the kids in the mornings and allows me to sleep in quietly and enjoy a little peace. I get a man who lets me shower or sends me out with my friends because I need a little "me" time as well. At least when he's at work, his days end. When he's gone, I'm on call 24/7. I don't get alot of "me" time. I do what I can, and I make it work. I'm thankful for a husband who can and does understand. And I'm also aware I'm blessed and lucky. His working this way makes it easier for him to have those periods of time off. A week off is alot in the scope of a five year old's life. It means alot that he has whole days for seven days straight to spend with his son.

I was a bit depressed this winter. I've said that. Why was I depressed? I wasn't depressed because Jeff was away. I was depressed because I was stuck in a house during a nasty cold winter, with a one and four year old. Now...I missed him. To be sure. But alot of the time I miss the companionship. I miss the adult conversation. Sometimes a phone call from a friend can alleivate alot of those feelings.

And also know, Jeff and I have spent time apart in the past. I've found that it really does help a relationship, just to be apart for a period of time. In this past year, this has been an extended period of time, but like I said before, when he's home, it's actually a relief for me. Not added work. And it is far worse for other people. I don't have an army husband, being sent overseas for months at a time. Jeff's only gone for two weeks. Sometimes a bit longer and its hard, but it could be worse! Much worse! We'd cope, but it'd be hard! My hat's off to those moms. I don't think that our being together ALL the time would be best for our relationship. I think people do get tired of one another sometimes. And it does make the time we're together much more special. I know lots and lots of couples who have been married for decades, and they spent time apart because the husbands worked away from home. Maybe they're an example. At least they are for me. I know it works for us. I never entered this marriage deluding myself into thinking he was going to be home all the time. Given how he was raised and such, this was going to be part and parcel. And that was fine by me.

This isn't going to be forever. We will be together more as time goes on. I will hope that he will be able to find a job much closer to home as Logan grows. He needs his daddy. I can only do so much. And Olivia loves her daddy so much already. "Olivia, who calls you piglet?" "My dada. I call my dada pigit!" She will need him as she gets older as well. He will be a marvellous example to both of our children.

Honestly, I couldn't have asked for better. Better kids, better husband, a better life. For anyone who thinks otherwise, I'm extraordinarily happy. I'm content, I'm happy, I'm loved, I'm everything that anyone would want. I don't have a HUGE house, I don't have BIG tv's or anything else major. But I have Jeff. And I have Logan and Olivia. I have a nice little condo in Millwoods, stocked with food, cable, internet and whatever else I NEED.

Life is good. Life is grand...life is what Jeff and I have made it to be together.

What more could I ask for?